WHY you might ask? A few months ago, after no direct contact for almost three glorious, drama-free years, I received a heart rending "call back message" from my NF, and made the HUGE mistake of being hoovered back down the Rabbit Hole into
my NFOO's version of Crazyland.
my NFOO's version of Crazyland.
So, here I am back in the blog business, not as a shining example but, as a dire warning to ACONs who allow their compassion and decency to lead them where no *sane person would ever go. Within a few short months I had resumed my role as family caretaker and inevitably,
my NF's favourite punching bag.
my NF's favourite punching bag.
#1 emotion right now is ANGER!
The anger is not directed toward the, ever predictable, narcissists in my life but at **myself for being so fucking stupid. "Follow your instincts", "respond don't react", and all the other catch-phrases that might have stopped me, went right out the window in my haste to
"do the right thing".
The anger is not directed toward the, ever predictable, narcissists in my life but at **myself for being so fucking stupid. "Follow your instincts", "respond don't react", and all the other catch-phrases that might have stopped me, went right out the window in my haste to
"do the right thing".
At first, my parents praised me as a wonderful daughter, while seeking my help and sucking me further into Crazyland. By the time I began to realize the old patterns were re-emerging, a genuine crisis involving EM began to unfold and, even though my gut was telling me to run like hell, the decent human being in me could see NO WAY OUT.
Re-enter the NGC (whose super power is disappearing whenever there's a crisis), crawling out from under his rock, just as most of the "heavy lifting" had been done. He wasted no time in planting a hateful lie in the fertile manure of my aging NF's demented and paranoid mind. The NGC's malicious ploy triggered a narcissistic rage of epic proportions, that surpassed any abuse I had previously endured from my NF and THAT is what set me free!
FUCK 'EM!
FUCK 'EM!
*Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
(attributed to Einstein, Ben Franklin, Mark Twain...)
**Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me! ~anon
To be continued...
(attributed to Einstein, Ben Franklin, Mark Twain...)
**Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me! ~anon
To be continued...
You can shear a sheep time after time but you can only skin him once.
ReplyDeleteI think I was a brainless lamb being led to the slaughter.
DeleteHowever from the sounds of your post you are finding your feet again. I've been through a similar whirl wind of emergency and after a year walking away again.
ReplyDeleteI don't plan to walk, I plan to run like hell and never look back!
DeleteI am not sure if that last comment makes sense given your situation. I can reduce my meaning to two words Fuck and Them.
ReplyDeleteEverything you say makes sense, especially those two words!
DeleteWelcome back!
ReplyDeleteThey.do.not.change.
They get worse.
In the end IMO experience trumps words for all of us: This was just a "Refresher Course" in case time rendered your memories somewhat hazy ;)
TW
TW, at least it was a short CRASH course!
DeleteGlad you are free again. Though sad that it had to happen that way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Evan! At least, the experience deepened my appreciation of my true friends and family.
DeleteI guess it can be easy to get drawn back in. I know that they never change. Actually, yeah they get worse. Glad to see I get another blog to read.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Joan, the whole "mellow with age" thing is bullshit when it comes to narcs.
DeleteAw, rats, I'm sorry you had to experience that. Yeah, even when they really need help they can't refrain from skinning the sheep! -quartz
ReplyDeleteQuartz, Given the NGC's usual disappearing act, they really did need some help this time, and made a great pretense of being happy to have me back. Unfortunately for them and lucky for me, they can only PRETEND for so long before they shoot themselves in the foot.
DeleteYou're back, and Lisette is gone. Even her book on Wattpad is gone. Anybody know what happened? I believe she comes around these parts, doesn't she?
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, those bonds you have with someone, the desire for your abuser to repent, can drive you to be sucked back in even when you know better. :P
MF, glad to hear from you. Sounds like you've had a rough go. I'm interested in reading the rest of your posts and see how this all came to happen. Hope you are hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessie! I'm hoping my experience might prevent others from having a similar "relapse".
DeleteNow that I've taken legal steps to break the ties, I'm feeling much better!
I was very spoiled as a kid. Dad would always buy me beautiful clothes & shoes, but I always felt very stiff, as I knew if i did kids stuff in them & got them dirty, or worse still broke something, he would be very angry with me. He didnt shout but he would look you right in the eye& say stuff with such venom, you would feel ashamed & you would be incredibly scared. To this day I hate dressing smart. The silent treatment could go on for days. Oh and he was very good at smashing things up.
ReplyDeleteThings really took a turn for the worse when in 1980, when i was almost 10, my brother was born. My dad always wanted a boy. In fact that was probably why he insisted on my hair being short. I got bullied a lot for looking like a boy, I just wanted to be like everyone else.
When my brother was born it was like I disappeared. Nothing I could do was good enough unless I got in fights at school or won races. He used to be a boxer before i was born. Around the same time I started to mature, then things started to get really bad. My teenage years were horrific. I was not allowed any freedom at all. I would ask him if I could go out but the answer was always no. I remember listening to all the kids talk about all the fun they had at school, it used to break my heart. I just sat in my room imagining what fun it would be if I was free. I did what most kids do, experiment with hair/clothes but he would humiliate me if he didnt like what i was wearing , the things he said were so hideous. I started babysitting & realised that i could invite friends & boyfriends round & have fun. I then started pretending i was babysitting so i could go out. I started have sex at 14 & taking psychedelics a year later just so i could escape the hell that was my home life. Once the police brought me home after they found me having sex with a boy on a barge boat. I was grounded for a year he didnt speak to me for the whole year. A consequence of my prison life at home was that I could have fun at school, of course my school work suffered.
The other favourate punishment of my beloved Narcissitic father was to cut my hair short, take away my clothes, my shoes and give me daggy stuff to wear. It was like he enjoyed removing my self. God I was so unhappy. I used to fantasise about killing him, I would fantasise about killing myself.
My Mum was my friend but she was his enabler, always attending his every need, he always came 1st
One time that sticks im my mind is when my dear enabling Mum found a letter to a friend saying i thought i was pregnant as the condom had broke. She showed it to Dad & he promptly came into my room and knocked me sensless round the room. I then had to go down and sit at the diinner table while he explained to my 4 year old brother that his big sister was a dirty filthy slut. This went on for over an hour. My brother was made to repeat his words, how humiliating was that? I reminded my Mum about this the other day, she denied it completely.
I am 45 soon and worked out this year what he is. My Mum, who was my best friend is his enabler. My bro golden child. He has turned them all against me & I am now No contact. Its hard doing NC with Mum but we had a row & I saw that who she was has been lost. She believes his lies, as does my bother who i loved so much. Thank god i have a wonderful husband, and two smashing kids, boy ages 12, girl aged 9. Im doing good & Eckhart Tolles books are helping me to keep mindful (a god send for anyone who is recovering from Narc abuse) the guilt is a battle, i hate what hes done to Mum but I feel she is lost to him & i can only walk away. Love to you all, you give me strengh & its nice to know Im not alone x
Dear Unknown, I'm looking at the last paragraph and marveling, once more, at how we ACONs turn out OK and build meaningful lives in spite of our Nparents.
DeleteWhen we go NC and grieve the loss of our families, we are very often grieving something we never had in the 1st place. In fact, when our eyes are opened we're letting go of the "fantasy family" we only dreamed of having.
As for guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm guessing if you're like me, you've repaid a hundredfold any responsibility you may have for your dysfunctional family.
For your own sake and the sake of your husband and beautiful kids, walk away from your FOO and never make the mistake I made of giving them another chance to knock you down ever again.