Another great article from Doctor Marcia Sirota:
"Our feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on how
they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us today. Also, we
often go along with what our society tells us we should feel toward our folks.
If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and appreciate everything
they did for us. It gets more complicated when our parents were
less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected, rejected or abused
us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs for love, care and
validation which then affect how we feel about our parents as adults.
they did for us. It gets more complicated when our parents were
less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected, rejected or abused
us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs for love, care and
validation which then affect how we feel about our parents as adults.
Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to believe that it was
our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our parents, and children
typically blame themselves for any problems in the parent-child relationship.
our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our parents, and children
typically blame themselves for any problems in the parent-child relationship.
Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us, children take
responsibility for what happened and then try to change themselves in order to
finally win the love that Mom or Dad were unwilling or unable to give.
responsibility for what happened and then try to change themselves in order to
finally win the love that Mom or Dad were unwilling or unable to give.
What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject us it has
nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do with their
inability to love and accept their children.
nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do with their
inability to love and accept their children.
It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to facing the
unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some way. This is an
extremely painful realization to come to terms with. Most people would rather
do anything than accept this truth. Not only is it painful; it’s humiliating.
Having hurtful or inadequate parents causes us to feel shame.
unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some way. This is an
extremely painful realization to come to terms with. Most people would rather
do anything than accept this truth. Not only is it painful; it’s humiliating.
Having hurtful or inadequate parents causes us to feel shame.
Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was never about our own
failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to other people that we grew up
with parents who were hurtful or rejecting. There’s always the fear that
they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it. It’s also hard to silence the voice
of the “inner critic” which tells us that it really was our fault.
failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to other people that we grew up
with parents who were hurtful or rejecting. There’s always the fear that
they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it. It’s also hard to silence the voice
of the “inner critic” which tells us that it really was our fault.
Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who were neglected, rejected or
abused. A secure loving attachment during childhood leads to a healthy ability
to detach as an adult. People with a healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able
to see their parents as they really are and can challenge them and question
them, when necessary.
abused. A secure loving attachment during childhood leads to a healthy ability
to detach as an adult. People with a healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able
to see their parents as they really are and can challenge them and question
them, when necessary.
People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a much harder time
letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their parents and have
enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they try to curry favour and
finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their parents and have
enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they try to curry favour and
finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more we seek their
approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving parents create
confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept mistreatment from anyone.
Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children who are riddled with self-doubt
and feelings of inadequacy, and who go on to be people-pleasers, first with
their parents and then with the rest of the world.
approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving parents create
confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept mistreatment from anyone.
Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children who are riddled with self-doubt
and feelings of inadequacy, and who go on to be people-pleasers, first with
their parents and then with the rest of the world.
Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the love and care
they’re receiving, and never make the children feel responsible for taking care
of the parents’ emotional or physical needs. Dysfunctional parents, on the
other hand, let their children know how “burdened” they’ve been by their
children and how many “sacrifices” they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
they’re receiving, and never make the children feel responsible for taking care
of the parents’ emotional or physical needs. Dysfunctional parents, on the
other hand, let their children know how “burdened” they’ve been by their
children and how many “sacrifices” they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and aren’t driven by
guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as adults. Children who were
hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe that it’s a child’s ongoing role
to care for their parents. These people are driven by a powerful sense of guilt
and obligation.
guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as adults. Children who were
hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe that it’s a child’s ongoing role
to care for their parents. These people are driven by a powerful sense of guilt
and obligation.
Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their folks when
there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are reluctant to impose
upon their adult children; not wanting to be a burden on them.
there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are reluctant to impose
upon their adult children; not wanting to be a burden on them.
Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time refusing their
parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,” “nice” and “helpful,”
they’ll finally get their parents to give them the love, care and validation
they’ve been waiting for.
parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,” “nice” and “helpful,”
they’ll finally get their parents to give them the love, care and validation
they’ve been waiting for.
For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need to see that pleasing
and care-taking their parents today won’t bring them the love and validation
they need. Even if their parents finally do see the light and become more
loving and attentive, it won’t heal their wounds of childhood or meet their
needs for validation today.
and care-taking their parents today won’t bring them the love and validation
they need. Even if their parents finally do see the light and become more
loving and attentive, it won’t heal their wounds of childhood or meet their
needs for validation today.
Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those who grew up without
adequate parental love and care must take responsibility for themselves and
work on healing their emotional wounds and meeting their own needs, as adults.
Counseling or therapy can help them do this.
adequate parental love and care must take responsibility for themselves and
work on healing their emotional wounds and meeting their own needs, as adults.
Counseling or therapy can help them do this.
If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must understand that first, it
wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t involve your parents. You can get
over a painful or neglectful childhood, not by trying to get your parents to
understand you or to change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t involve your parents. You can get
over a painful or neglectful childhood, not by trying to get your parents to
understand you or to change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way, rewarding them for
having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour was deliberate or
inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to remain enmeshed with them
as adults.
having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour was deliberate or
inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to remain enmeshed with them
as adults.
Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today, you’d be better
off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile attempts at winning
their love, and focusing your attention instead on developing the self-love and
self-confidence that your childhood deprived you of.
If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be able to have
relationships with peers who are capable of loving and accepting you, just as
you are."~Marcia Sirota
relationships with peers who are capable of loving and accepting you, just as
you are."~Marcia Sirota
Our
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.
If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.
Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.
Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.
What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.
It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.
Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.
Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.
People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.
Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.
Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.
Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.
For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.
Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.
If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.
Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.
If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.
- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.
If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.
Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.
Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.
What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.
It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.
Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.
Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.
People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.
Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.
Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.
Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.
For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.
Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.
If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.
Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.
If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.
- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf
Our
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.
If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.
Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.
Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.
What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.
It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.
Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.
Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.
People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.
Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.
Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.
Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.
For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.
Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.
If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.
Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.
If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.
- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.
If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.
Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.
Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.
What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.
It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.
Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.
Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.
People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.
The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.
Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.
Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.
Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.
Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.
For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.
Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.
If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.
Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.
Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.
If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.
- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf
When I was old enough to be in high school and hold down a job my mother had me go to Olan Mills to get my picture taken. When she got the print back she put one in a frame and had it sitting on her night stand for the rest of the time I was welcome in her house. I don't know why but over the years that picture became a symbol of the love and affection she never showed me in real life. If I was there over holidays I could see that picture and think maybe she does give a shit about me. It was taken when I wore my hair down to my ass and it also was a symbol of my long gone youth. Somewhere my attachment for the right reason blurred over into my attachment for the meaningless reason. One time I compared that blurring affect to when I gave my cousin his insulin shots. I would give the injection site a puff of wind and the sting of the shot blended in with the somewhat more pleasant sensation of the air and it didn't sting so much. This was the same thing only different. Of course that picture eventually ended up with my ex wife and I am sure she wiped her ass with it before it hit the trash. Which is what should have been done with it from the very beginning.
ReplyDeleteQ, We all hold onto that tiny shred of hope that they really do love us "in their own way." Then reality sets in and we realize they're incapable of loving anyone but themselves.
DeleteFace it, Barb was one in a million...thank god!
My NF used to say I didn't deserve an mother like EM and he was right!
They had to do a few things to appear like normal parents. Mine did pictures and gave us a mountain of Christmas presents keeping the video and cameras rolling. They need to point to something to say, "hey we were great parents"
DeletePeep, mine made a great show of kissing and hugging us whenever they had an audience. EM bragged that they helped all three of their kids get through university when they never gave me a dime while I worked all full time and went to night school.
DeleteKinda makes you wonder why they worked so hard at the charade of being great parents. Who were they trying to convince...themselves?
Oh mine used to confuse me acting sweet and nice when other people were in the room, I didn't get hugs and kisses [from my mother] but they became other people. It would take time to realize what total liars they were. They only cared about what the world thought in everything. Everything was appearances and BS. They were rotten people and abusers and were basically doing a play. Sorry your's lied about paying for your university.
DeletePeep, they never promised to pay for my university and had, in fact, tried to pull me out of school at 15 so I could work in a factory and they could take my earnings. My high school principal refused to sign the papers.
DeleteI provided free day care for the NGC and any money earned babysitting others was taken by my EM. When I expressed the wish to go to university I was laughed at because:
a) I hadn't saved any money (hard when you've had to hand it over)
b) I was a girl (which I've always believed was my #1 sin)
While I was getting my undergrad degree there was not only a scrap of financial support there was no encouragement either, but when I graduated they were there with bells on to brag about how smart their daughter was. By the time I took my post-grad I really was smart and didn't tell them.
I hear you about the facade they put on for outsiders while treating their "loved ones" like crap in private. We were all conditioned to play along and when we don't it's because WE'RE crazy.
What gets me is that I could never have become a doctor, or a lawyer or an engineer. My bad nerves makes it hard for me to hold down a job, I look crazy. If I was raised by wolves at least I would have learned to find food.
ReplyDeleteJoan, it's that lack of consistency at home that destroys a kid. Just when we thought we'd figured out the right thing to say or do OUR parents changed the rules. If we got anywhere near the carrot they dangled in front of us they yanked it away and said we were the crazy ones.
DeleteEven wolves have the instinct to protect their young and a set of rules they live by.
It's a miracle that any of us made it out alive and NO, you're not crazy...they are!
Yes they would change the rules. Get too happy or even obey them and they'd rip the rug. The only firm rule was, "you can't win".
DeleteI wrote about my "nice" phase where after becoming a Christian, I was trying to "win" her over. My husband had decent newspaper jobs, I was sick but the future looked otherwise bright. All I got was a bag of hot poop and doors slammed in my face over and over. I sometimes think what a sucker I was.
ReplyDeletehttp://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2015/07/forgiving-malignant-narcissist-is-like.html
Peep, your only "sin" was being a decent person which they take as a sign of weakness.
DeleteYes they see that as weakness and hate me for it. Man they suck. So wonder they all made money and rose to the top.
DeleteNever understood the hate. Why would they hate someone who they see as beneath them? The jealousy I get because they hate anyone who is successful has a nicer house or makes more money, even if it's their own kid and you'd think they'd be proud!
DeleteI wish we had like buttons because I certainly like that last comment of yours M-fan. It really cuts to the heart of the matter.
DeleteI saw a trailer for a showtime documentary and the voice over had a guy saying every body has permission to be who ever they want to be and I thought therein lies the problem. How could we become who we wanted to become when any deviation from what they felt you should do resulted in you getting dressed down like a private at boot camp. I always say my mother never physically hurt me, she just berated me for hours on end. Which might be worse. I played football and I could take a hit. But after 20 or 30 minutes of her telling me what a piece of shit I was pretty well killed my incentive to be anything but be her lackey
ReplyDeleteQ, you could have become a millionaire, lived in a mansion, and given the old bitch a life of luxury, she would have still treated you like shit or even worse because they can't stand to see us succeed.
DeleteI had a long successful career in a well-respected profession, married a great guy, had a beautiful kid, lived in a nice house, etc. etc... Three years ago, when I shared the success of another family member, NF went postal (via phone) and said that could have been me if I hadn't wasted my life sitting on my fat arse. This led me to believe, whatever I did it would have been wrong. Maybe the NGC has the right idea...after all, whatever we do is wrong so why not do nothing?
So when the funeral comes, that is just a pile of flesh to be buried. I'm just wondering what lies will be told to exalt her at her funeral. And what innocent flowers will be plucked up from their peaceful flower beds to make this a funeral occasion.
ReplyDeleteJoan, The liars that supported them in life will likely continue the fantasy at the funeral.
DeleteIf there is a god I am pretty sure he's heard it all by now.
ReplyDeleteQ, I don't know how to break this to you but I'm pretty sure Barb was on God's shit list and went the other way.
DeleteIf there really is a God there wouldn't be any narcs.