Even
though we’ve struggled with the idea of maintaining absolutely no contact, many
of us have found out the hard way that leaving the door open even by a sliver
is an invitation for our abusers to hoover us back down the rabbit hole into
their version of Crazyland. Strict no contact robs them of a chance to
manipulate us and is the essential step required to protect ourselves from further
abuse.
No
contact is the ultimate punishment we can inflict on narcissists, which is
one of the reasons they simply cannot let us go! Ignoring narcissists robs them of
the chance to devalue and demean us which they desperately need to do in order
to maintain THEIR exaggerated sense of
worth.
Narcissists' panicked reactions to our sudden indifference will dispel all doubts
about the value of no contact for; they will be unable to function without the
unhealthy dynamic they've created with us. They label their victims as inferior,
while behind the scenes they simply can’t live without our “presence” in THEIR miserable lives, even if that presence is maintained by visiting a blog almost daily, drawing
a child-like caricature, repeatedly calling a blocked number or sending an
email stupidly admitting their misdeeds.
How empowering for us that, many narcissists, when trying to prove that we are
unimportant to them, do just the opposite by revealing how much space
we occupy “rent free” in THEIR heads instead of the other way around!
An
extended period of no contact eventually turns the tables by making
narcissists realize that we find them irrelevant, dispensable and somewhat
pathetic. Their punishment is complete when they realize their favourite doormat has simply gotten up off the floor and walked away. (Fortunately for them, new doormats are quite reasonably priced at Walmart.)
FUCK 'EM!
Going NC with my mother just caused her dysfunction to squeeze out somewhere else. Like pressing a glob of mercury. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, but doing it allows me to look in the mirror and not be disgusted for having no backbone.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing Q we finally get to the point where our need for a bit of self-respect trumps any obligation we may "think" we have for our fucked up family.
DeleteSelf-respect is a word I have thought of often. I kept thinking I don't want to live the rest of my life as a worm to these people. So I agree. I am glad you had a backbone too Q. Think of the people who never escape. I saw plenty of those.
DeletePeep, I believe their ultimate goal is to destroy every shred of self-respect we may have so we are just a hollow shell whose only purpose is to serve their massive egos. They demean, belittle and gaslight us until we believe ourselves to be unworthy of anyone's love or respect.
DeleteIf my own father calls me a liar, thief, loser, moron...it must be true. Wait! In functional families parents love and support their children!
Still scares me how close I came to being "re-captured"!
I see the hollow shells, Aunt Scapegoat is definite one. It is scary to see a husk of a beaten down person. My mother is such an idiot she didn't realize she had already put a bill board in front of my face, screaming "Get the hell away!" Sometimes I am angry I didn't escape until my 40s though I attempted in my 20s. I'm sorry you got almost recaptured. They like those husks of human beings who bow down before their ever whim. I know they made me feel unworthy in every way and I guess now I'm in the pissed phase. This may shock some of you but I have kicked several friends to the curb in the last year. Yeah I got called bad names every day too. It stinks. There was never any love or support only competition. How long were you NC before they tried to suck you back in? With mine, she has to give up, and hope she has. I hope she isn't too stupid to realize 25 years of severe disability and years of poverty form a more stubborn person then her easy-breezy stuck up spoiled suburban life. I think mine is glad I am gone and going through a few half-hearted motions for others.
DeletePeep, lots of periods of LC & NC along the way with the most recent being almost three years.
DeleteThe 1st therapist I saw at age 39 told me to walk away and others over the past 30 years have all said the same. I'm almost grateful for my relapse because this time around when NF's abuse escalated it was probably because I grew a pair and gave him as good as I got, which means there's no going back.
As for the NGC, I'll be his obsession (dead or alive) until the day he dies which is his problem not mine.
An old friend from growing up had tried to call me some months back. She wouldn't even reveal to me how she got my number. I stopped taking her calls but she continued to call here for over a month, never leaving a message, and I just ignored it. I think she was at least a borderline for doing that. She may have been calling me on the FOOs behalf, I don't know. I closed the door right away. No contact is no contact.
ReplyDeleteThese days I don't worry about mother at all. I don't concern myself with that at all. I have to concern myself on recovery, if I want any happiness. I might be going through crap, but she will never know the details.
Its horrible you have to have to deal with them spying on you. Unfortunately, knowing narcs the way I do, it won't easily let up. But if it were me, I would just be myself anyway. I wouldn't even talk to them. He ain't that artistic or creative anyway.
Joan, these days I find my blog lurker more amusing than horrible. Seeing him on the tracker makes me chuckle knowing that he can't overcome his obsession with his sister's anonymous writings to an audience that has no idea of either his or my identity.
DeleteYeah, how about about that artwork? The friends I shared it with had a good laugh at his expense. Best comment was from Rev. Renee: "What is this guy, a five year old?" I answered, "Yeah, complete with temper tantrums!"
Good for you for staying firm with no contact!
I was the same: dismayed at first with my own blog stalkers, to the verge of a nervous breakdown...to, eventually, amusement. I would post things just to see how they'd react in the stats. Nowadays, it's been more than a month since their last visit. So I guess even stalkers can lose interest eventually. :)
DeleteNyssa, My NGC first posed as a disgruntled former student which was a little creepy until I and some other family members recognized the sarcastic writing style. He was also dumb enough to include details a student wouldn't have known.
DeleteHe's been advised not to read the blog as I am supposedly the cause of his seizures but he says it's like constructing a billboard and telling him not to read it! Makes me feel pretty powerful for a change.
(I refer to him as "The Tall Toddler!")
ReplyDeleteYk, I was prepared for an Extinction Burst when I went NC. What I wasn't prepared for was the Global Scorched Earth War that ensued for decades on Psychob's part.
I had NO idea I was that damn important a prop in her life but wow, way to go! It was just so crazy to this day I just-how do you explain this to uninitiated? How is it possible to get such sustained overwhelming unwanted contact-wait, there it is, once again: When they know you want something, they make sure you're not gonna get it. You just want Peace in your life? They'll relentlessly stalk you. OK, got it now.
As you can see I really never understood her response beyond wanting her scapegoat back. Obviously there was more to it. She was screaming to everyone for decades she "didn't know WHHHHHYYY!" I NCd despite being a native English speaker and reader. While she was screaming this, behind the scenes she was hunting me down like a predator. It wasn't about Reconciliation, ever.
It was all about Retribution.
They are.just.so.twisted.
TW
TW, "twisted" is a great word to use! How twisted is it that they treat us as a lower form of life yet cannot bear to lose us? These pathetic souls have to work so hard to build their house of cards that it's devastating when one of the foundation cards says "fuck 'em" and walks away.
ReplyDeleteTook me a while to realize that in a completely dysfunctional way, this scapegoat, people pleaser, rescuer was so important to my NFOO, especially when faced with a crisis. Then, when I do wade in to help them out, they're infuriated when they realize they actually DO need me!
NF manages to hold back his hatred/anger until he gets what he wants then he lets loose his rage and slams the door on any further contact. On the other hand, NGC simply can't let go of the realization that HE NEEDS ME and I DON'T NEED HIM! ( Cue the visual of Tall Toddler stamping his feet and punching walls.)
The constant stalking thing is SO WEIRD. I can't even stay interested enough to be consistent about stalking old boyfriends on FB. My mind starts to wander off to cupcakes or shoes and *bam* my stalking fun is over.
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe your brother reads your blog EVERY. DAY. Reads all these comments (hey there NGC! *waggles fingers*). I don't even visit ebay every day and I have stuff for sale there.
I'm sorry you got sucked back in. I know my mother's health will fail at some point soon, and I will need to become involved in the family stuff again. I dread it. And my mother is not at ALL like yours, or TW, or Q's.
I've always said - I thought it was awful to have the 'Ignoring Narc' type for parents. Reading you and Q and TW (and so many others) has let me know what a gift that truly is.
Gladys, At least NF hasn't tried to contact me. He's likely saying, "She's dead to me." But then again, that's exactly what he said about the NGC about two months ago and many times before that! My fondest wish is that he really means it this time!
DeleteTo be strictly honest, because we know we're being watched, the NGC does skip a day now and then. Probably days his wife is off work and wouldn't be too impressed when she realizes while she's busting her ass at work he's doing something really constructive, like stalking his sister.