"Other people don’t get to invalidate your truth. They can disagree with it. They can struggle to understand it. They can carry a truth that conflicts with your own — but they don’t have the authority to tell you what your truth should or shouldn’t be. You feel what you feel and you need what you need. Those things just are. It’s how you’re wired, and it’s okay. Other people can feel and need different things — and their truth is valid in its own right — but it doesn’t discount your own. Your truth comes without judgment. It can’t be wrong because it’s yours. Not theirs; not anyone else’s. It’s yours — and it’s your right to embrace and honor it." ~Daniell Koepke
Can I get an AMEN!
ReplyDeleteAll I have for you is the singular version, Q. AMAN!
DeleteGreat quote. I got tired of people [mostly narcs] telling me what to say and do and trying to "correct me". I am trying to be mindful of these behaviors myself on the other end and letting people be who they are too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that's our gift.If we can be mindful, we can be free, the hate has to die with them & in that way I guess if we succeed in being mindful then they have been our greatest teachers...(ooo that feels quite uncomfortable being positive towards them but I feel that's the only way to attempt to claw back any sense of sanity & freedom)? I might add at this point that this of course HAS to coincide with NC!
DeleteNS the biggest narc in my life simply can't live without me. In spite of NC he is so obsessed he seems to spend his days finding ways to stalk and harass me.
DeleteI enjoy the constant reminders that I get to live rent-free in his head.
Here here. Must say I've found NC from Narc Father very liberating, however the enabling Mother has shocked me incredibly. Its impossible for me to imagine EVER being manipulated by a man against my own children & grandchildren & so its hard to cone to terms with the fact that this woman who appeared once to be my b/f has betrayed me so readily. The weakness I see makes me feel v angry. While I feel anger I'm not free & that fucks me off. The fact a man can turn his wife & against his own brood is so perverse, so twisted. What a man...I question now whether she too is a Narc, is she as mental as him? Or just brainwashed, slowly loosing herself to this pig over the decades?
ReplyDeleteNS, My mother did the exact same thing and in the end my father turned his guns on her. Karma's a bitch!
DeleteI dont doubt it & know she will continue to lap up being treated like shit. What a sacrifice to make. What a waste of life.
DeleteMy feelings echo those of you both ... my NF has turned EM against me and like you Narcsurvivor and Mulderfan it is an "incredible shock" that a woman who we once thought to be our best friend can turn against us and betray us like this. I have in many ways found this as hard, if not harder to handle than going no contact with my NF. I constantly go over and over in my head how my parents are not who I thought they were. I must have been wearing blinkers for 50 years.
DeleteBee, Looking back, even when I thought my mum was my best friend, in truth, she was just manipulating me.
DeleteI am starting to think along those lines. Do u think your Mum became Narc like because she spent much of her life with your Dad?
DeleteNS I once wrote a post about how my mum morphed into a full-blown narc. IMO she began as a victim and eventually self-preservation kicked in. Eventually she became the more dangerous of the pair. NF was/is a narc of the raging maniac variety while it was hard to see my mum coming because she was the quietly manipulative variety.
DeleteVery much relate to this scenario. Strange how life turns out.
DeleteHow absolutely totally true Mulderfan that sums it all up nicely. I started to write about this on my blog but haven't posted yet... it was about the saying 'still waters run deep'. I could (and can) never work my mother out. Seems to be two-faced but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt (that was before my raging NF "turned his guns" (as you said Mulderfan) on my husband during their final visit to us (never to visit again THANK GOD).
DeleteWell said.
ReplyDeleteI think your detractors can't see the "create a blog" tab in the upper right of the page. If they want to create a blog of their own to contest your writing "lie by lie" Google even converts the writing to the language appropriate to the ISP number associated with their internet access. It doesn't get any easier than that. Yet they still sit on the couch eating bon-bons and calling you a liar. If they wrote a blog of their own then they couldn't attack the messenger rather than the message. That might even the playing field and they can't have that.
ReplyDeleteFunny that my biggest detractor, is a self-styled "professional" writer!
DeleteMulder I'm confused! Is q1605 your bro? Are they slating me/u? What am I missing here?
ReplyDeleteNS, Q and I met online via these blogs.
DeleteUnlike my "blood" brothers", he is the closest thing to a genuine brother I've ever had and, without exaggeration, has saved my life/sanity on a number of occasions.
My older brother (a REALLY freaky narc)was killed in an accident and my younger brother, who I sometimes refer to as the NGC, simply can't live without me.
Am still confused, have I done something to offend q?
ReplyDeleteNS his comment is a dig at the NGC who stalks me via both of our blogs and was once stupid enough to complain that MY blog was all about ME.
ReplyDeleteI feel pretty confident in stating that it's damn near impossible to offend Q!
Phew that's a relief, being new to all this I got a bit paranoid! Apologies x
ReplyDeleteNo problem, NS. Takes time to adjust to being in a "safe place" and I make a point of making sure people are safe commenting on MY blog.
ReplyDeleteNo apologies necessary here either.
NS, I tell people on line if there are two ways to take me always take me the better way. It's impossible to just blabber on like I do and make it all make sense. And not hearing the inflection in my voice sometimes makes it impossible to separate a sarcastic message from a heartfelt one. Let me change that first sentence to if there are two ways to take my words always take them as heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteGotcha, thanks Q 😊 I guess that ingrained reading between the lines shit is still there. THANKS NFOO!!! X
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Narcs say what seems to be the most innocuous things and later when you think it all out, you just think Hey! She implied I was a thief/untrustworthy/lazy/stupid Pick one.
ReplyDeleteAnd those expressions & side way glances we grow up studying that noone else seems to notice, experts at body language.As I've become older I've learnt to trust the things I notice & feel, not just with the Narcs but with everyone. Do u think us survivors are more perceptive than most? I guess after walking on eggshells for so long we had to. I always remember what a revelation it was when I moved in with my husband & things went wrong/broke he was so cool about fixing them. I used to get so tight inside if anything got broke in Crazyland, it was always SUCH a big deal.
ReplyDeleteNS Yes! The sideways glance exchanged by my parents and the little smirk on my father's face when he knew he'd hurt/upset me.
DeleteI still tend to ignore my instincts more often than I should!
NS from my experiences all this S*** does make us more perceptive and sensitive than most. It's tough sometimes to shake off that feeling of getting uptight when things go wrong. I'm still go into 'blame mode' in these situations because my NF blamed me for everything and anything! I drive my husband crazy sometimes apologising and he keeps reminding me to leave my baggage at the door. It's not easy to reprogramme ourselves to change life long habits. My NF goes crazy at the most ridiculous things such as tying his shoelaces and of course it would be my fault for one reason or another, and it used to be so stressful to be around him ... but no more now with NC.
DeleteBee and NS, it's unlikely you'll overcome a lifetime of conditioning in the blink of an eye. Taking the "red pill" and having an instant awakening only happens in movies.
DeleteFirst rule: be patient with YOURSELF!
It took me forever to figure it out and in most ways it was mainly hind sight. But anytime my mother was being nice to anybody she was just getting that person to let their guard down long enough to gut them through and through.
ReplyDeleteI can see now my Mum was 'too' close to me, she would discuss things with me that weren't really appropriate. I think she looked to me to provide emotional support as my Dad was incapable of giving her that. NF appeared to 'rescue' her from abusive Step Dad when she was 16. NF was a handsome wanker & apparently had his pick of beautiful girls, my Mum couldn't believe he chose her. He told me once (in front of her)that if he'd married one of them I'd of been much more beautiful! What a sweetie! In truth, he married my Mum because she was vulnerable & wouldn't stand up for herself. Her family were leaving for Australia & he 'felt sorry for the poor cow'(his words)Slowly over the years she became hardened, I guess she had to. Her true self, has slowly been eradicated over the decades & she's grateful to him for being the 'love of her life' when the truth is he loves noone
ReplyDeleteAnd another thing! I'm not sure if u can relate to this but since I've become 'enlightened' I've had a problem with my neck. I've had MRI scans & they find no problem but an Osteopath reckons its my body releasing years off pent up emotion. I also had an ovary removed a few years ago & someone mentioned that the cyst was a result of years of unreleased anger. It doesn't surprise me that if we cant get out emotions out, blockages of energy can cause us problems. I now do not suffer from PMT/depression & feel that finally I'm more who I was supposed to be all along. Its a great feeling. I still have shit going round my head each day but im much more aware that I carry a lot tension in my shoulders & so I can release it which is good as it was obviously always there but I wasn't conscious of it.
ReplyDeleteI had a disc collapse in my neck a few years ago. Result of a childhood injury inflicted by my mum. I won't go into my other health issues because it would delight my narc stalker.
ReplyDeleteBut think of it this way NS, if you're like most ACoNs you grew up in a war zone and likely have PTSD.
I think I definitely did when I walked away from them at 18 & spent a long time self medicating with drugs/casual sex. For a long time life seemed in black & white & there was no joy. I wasted a lot of years being drawn to people who treated me badly but thankfully I was drawn to self help books & psychology & built my self up, became strong. I'm very proud of how far I've come. I think we're all warriors, to come through it you know? I just feel sad for those kids stuck in it not knowing, breaks my heart...
ReplyDelete