I quit blogging a while ago because, after three years of NC, I felt blogging has served its therapeutic purpose.
Then, I allowed my mother's impending death to suck me back down the rabbit hole into my NFOO's special version of Crazyland.
In a private Face mail exchange, my long time friend Rev Renee cautioned me against it and even went so far as to warn me that not only would the abuse continue but that it would very likely escalate.
Blogger buddies Q and Tundra Woman gave me similar advice, which I ignored, believing that I was healthy enough to safely climb back out of the darkness if need be.
I couldn't have been more wrong and my stubborn refusal to follow the advice of my friends very nearly cost me my life.
Once again, I turned to these blogs to find support and validation but am beginning to question that decision, as I find myself reliving episodes that are best forgotten and allowing my abusers to once more live rent-free in my head.
When are we DONE?
Blogger buddies Q and Tundra Woman gave me similar advice, which I ignored, believing that I was healthy enough to safely climb back out of the darkness if need be.
I couldn't have been more wrong and my stubborn refusal to follow the advice of my friends very nearly cost me my life.
Once again, I turned to these blogs to find support and validation but am beginning to question that decision, as I find myself reliving episodes that are best forgotten and allowing my abusers to once more live rent-free in my head.
When are we DONE?
How do we know we are done?
Are WE ever done?
Are THEY ever done?
Opening that can of worms is never a good idea. I hate oxymoron and Narcs are by definition a walking paradox. Like the "need love too" contingency is what drives me away from blogging at the same time they send me back out to try and spread the word. No matter how many signs are put up about not feeding the bears there will always be that person who will argue with you about them just giving the bear a morsel. So you have to let them get their ass bitten off and be able to run faster than the bear. Later on you can say I told you so, but you wouldn't listen. That's a rather long way to go to say ultimately we are the architects of our own life. If you believe this is having a negative impact on your life it's time to go.
ReplyDeleteI just remembered the name of our own worst enemy. It's called escalation of commitment. It where a person has so much time invested in what is becoming a losing proposition that we find it harder and harder to cut our losses and run. With me and moving in with my mother I kept thinking I have put up with this bitch for 49 years and what harm will it do to make it 50? Then at 50 you think what harm will it do to make it to 51 then 52 and next thing you know you are pushing up on 60 and you think it's been 60 years what's the harm in 61. Next thing you know they are dead and they stole your life out from underneath your very nose. Part of me still thinks that if I had stayed under her roof, I might have salvaged our estate and all our grand kids might have money for college but she's cut from such a sorry clothe I can see her changing her will with me living under her roof. That would have been a betrayal for the ages and something that would have really warmed the cockles of her heartless ass.
ReplyDeleteI know I have had those thoughts too, I didn't go NC until I was in my 40s, why did I waste so much time with these people and there is this thought well you've been there that long may as well stick it out. I know worrying about my impending death when I got so sick in 2013 actually is what woke me up and got me out. I think even if we stayed around, nothing would be different, they would still find a way to screw us over except in that case they could do far more harm. I get pissed that I wasted up to age 44 with the majority of them.
DeleteI guess there comes a time when we've made sense of the madness & we come to know none of it was our fault. I think anger is cathartic, its part of the process & its impossible to go NC without it but we must allow the poison to die with them. We have to be the opposite of what they are.To be positive, to love, to embrace life, to let go of the pain. I have found Eckhart Tolles, The Power of Now a life changer, he's helped me to stop the thoughts & I'm not sure I would have come so far without his insights. The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer is also a must read.
ReplyDeleteThe past no longer exists. We have to relinquish their power over us, they have fucked with our psyches far too long. You have helped so many people, more than you know, & you were brave to do what u did for your Mum. You did what you had to do...you deserve peace. We all do...
NS, I'll be writing one last post, answering the questions I posed and explaining how I know I'm truly done.
ReplyDeleteI've had a number of people over the years tell me I've helped them but, at the end of the day, it's time to put myself and those who truly love me ahead of everything else.
BTW and IMO there is no sense to the madness! That's what makes it madness!
I agree with NarcSurvivor--your generosity and your humor helped me and no doubt many others to realize that we, too, had the strength to go NC. Mulderfan, thank you and go with my deepest, sincerest thanks. --LuLoo
ReplyDeleteThanks, LuLoo!
DeleteI am done with the FOO. My brother and sister I have left, maybe not narcissists, but are used to me in a certain role and demand I take that position. I just wish it would end there. But no, for an ACON there are lurking predators in the shadows even, and we never get a break. To survive, we have to cut that role we played and not allow it to happen again. This may be the beginning of recovery, and will stop every predator. So its mind cleaning, so it will keep out the future bullies.
ReplyDeleteI think we consider and speculate and sit with the results and a decision emerges - which we then give conscious assent to and follow-up on in our behaviour. Which I guess isn't all that much use as an answer.
ReplyDelete"Sit with it." is probably one of the most valuable lessons I learned from you, Evan.
DeleteThat's great to know, thank you.
DeleteI've seen Bloggers take long breaks and then come back and post occasionally or even move in a different Blogging direction. I'm not convinced it's all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteYou know what's right for you, mulder. And you definitely have helped a lot of people including me! As I told you I blundered on here like a bull in a china shop and made the most difficult comment I've every made to anyone on line and you were so gracious to me.
Thanks-and I can't wait to see your next post with your responses to those questions.
TW
TW I considered it an honour when a friend like you loved me enough to kick my ass when it needed a good kick.
DeleteBlog as you see fit. One doesn't want to tie themselves up. LOL I said I wouldn't blog about them anymore but did this week, my blog has other areas it covers but I guess in my case, I know it will still come up from time to time. I hope you don't quit blogging perhaps pursue other things to blog about but I know I have to work on my life and freeing my mind of the whole mess too. My blog was started to even find out what the hell was wrong with me [the 400lb weight gain] and I achieved that with the Lipedemia diagnosis, so even the foundations of blogs can change from time to time. I guess I hope you stick around even if you don't write about them anymore as much LOL
DeleteWhatever you do they are going to compromise your life. If you are somewhere else they can't compromise your sanity.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how much turmoil one dimensional people can stir up.
ReplyDeleteHi Mulderfan, I used to read your blog and loved your humour and your take on things - was wondering what had happened! So sorry to hear that you were sucked back in :(
ReplyDeleteJust thought I'd comment for a change as I know that your blog was helpful to me and I'm sure also helped others.