Enabling Mother

Enabling mother (EM) is the last of the key players in my Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO) and this is by far the hardest post for me to write. I still have memories, from early childhood, of a sweet and loving mother. Somewhere along the way that all gradually changed until, perhaps for self-preservation, she morphed into an enabler who would sit silently while NF delivered verbal and sometimes physical abuse to her children. Afterwards, she would berate us for "upsetting" our father. How I longed for her to, JUST ONCE, admit that HE was wrong!

In retrospect, I realize she was also narcissistic in her own right. Unlike NF, she was a quiet manipulator who left me feeling guilty and initiated the "call backs" that sucked me into my old role as family caretaker/doormat. I can never forget, that she's also the one, who when I called to say my husband had died said, "Good. Now you can see us more often."

After almost three years of very limited contact, imagine my shock when I recently discovered that EM was now the target of NF's bullying tactics. I'm ashamed to admit that I assumed HER role and stayed quiet, with thoughts like, "Karma's a bitch." and "It's your turn." running through my shell-shocked mind.

Back home I was hit with an epic anxiety attack. It was triggered in part by witnessing the kind of emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child, but mostly by the realization that I was capable of  staying silent. That's when I became determined use my caretaker skills to do for my dying mother what she had never done for me; get her to a safe place.

My credo: "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate.

Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."~Iain Thomas

Call Back Message

Less than a week after repeatedly calling me a liar and accusing me of falsifying Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money, I let a pathetic "call back message" from my narcissistic father go to voice mail.

In a quivering voice NF recounted a call from the nursing home doctor telling him that my mother was very close to the end. He suggested that, I drive down, pick up both him and my NGC brother, so "the three of us could go as a family to say goodbye". It was as if his hurtful rage had never taken place.

I wavered, still wanting to do the right thing by my mother, and contemplated visiting her by myself. Thankfully, before leaving, I called the nursing station on my mother's floor. Seems I'm not the only "liar" in the family. EM was actually having a good day, still considered palliative but death is not imminent. I didn't go.

Right out of the narcissist's handbook, manipulative, and often false, "call back messages" are my narcissistic parents weapon of choice for hoovering me back down the Rabbit Hole to resume my responsibilities as family caretaker.

FUCK 'EM!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Given the description of my Narcissistic Father readers are probably wondering how the hell I ended up back down the Rabbit Hole in NFOO "crazyland".

I'll begin by confessing that when asked what I'd do when one of my elderly parents neared the end, my reply was either, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." or "I'll follow my heart." Both of which are dangerously stupid answers when dealing with narcissists. Mentally, I'd left the door wide open to what just happened!

My 1st mistake was, after being verbally assaulted by my NF in June 2012, I never TRULY went 100% no contact because we continued to exchange Birthday and Xmas cards. In retrospect, I should have followed my dear friend Rev. Renee Pittelli's No Contact 101 right to the letter!

If I had followed Renee's NC rules, I would never have made mistake #2 which was listening to my NF's pathetic voicemail telling me, if I wanted to see my mother one last time, I'd better get down there ASAP because she'd been hospitalized. Proud of my restraint, I went down a few days later to find my mother at home and grinning from ear to ear. "Hospitalized" was, in fact, a short trip to ER where she was diagnosed with indigestion! She admitted, "I just wanted to see you." because no self-respecting narcissist would ever say, "I love you, miss you and want you back in my life."

And so it began. A trip down for EM's birthday, a few genuine health scares, then suddenly, I got a call asking me to use my Power of Attorney to authorize an ambulance for my mother because NF refused. Yes, I'd been dumb enough to overlook that I was still their Power of Attorney!

My fatal "caretaker" flaw kicked in and I tumbled further down the Rabbit Hole, as EM continued to decline and was eventually deemed palliative. Along the way, I was praised, thanked and showered with "love", but with the impending loss of his enabler NF began to unravel and revert to his abusive ways. Small slips at first, but enough to make me feel unsafe and trapped in Crazyland.

Re-enter the NGC who, true to form, had managed to disappear as the crisis deepened. Within 24 hours of his reappearance NF was on the phone screaming liar, liar, liar...in my ear and accusing me of  falsifying the Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money.

I'd been played like a violin, served my purpose, and once more became the family's punching bag. Maybe, just like many alcoholics, ACONs need one big relapse before they hit rock bottom, crawl back outta that Rabbit Hole, run like hell and NEVER look back!

BTW I allowed myself one last contact: My resignation as Power of Attorney, which puts the NGC in charge. The perfect solution for everyone, especially ME!

FUCK 'EM!