Enabling Mother

Enabling mother (EM) is the last of the key players in my Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO) and this is by far the hardest post for me to write. I still have memories, from early childhood, of a sweet and loving mother. Somewhere along the way that all gradually changed until, perhaps for self-preservation, she morphed into an enabler who would sit silently while NF delivered verbal and sometimes physical abuse to her children. Afterwards, she would berate us for "upsetting" our father. How I longed for her to, JUST ONCE, admit that HE was wrong!

In retrospect, I realize she was also narcissistic in her own right. Unlike NF, she was a quiet manipulator who left me feeling guilty and initiated the "call backs" that sucked me into my old role as family caretaker/doormat. I can never forget, that she's also the one, who when I called to say my husband had died said, "Good. Now you can see us more often."

After almost three years of very limited contact, imagine my shock when I recently discovered that EM was now the target of NF's bullying tactics. I'm ashamed to admit that I assumed HER role and stayed quiet, with thoughts like, "Karma's a bitch." and "It's your turn." running through my shell-shocked mind.

Back home I was hit with an epic anxiety attack. It was triggered in part by witnessing the kind of emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child, but mostly by the realization that I was capable of  staying silent. That's when I became determined use my caretaker skills to do for my dying mother what she had never done for me; get her to a safe place.

My credo: "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate.

Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."~Iain Thomas

The Narcissistic Golden Child

The Narcissistic Golden Child, the product of a planned pregnancy and my father's wish for another boy, was born when I was eight and my late older brother was ten. He truly was a "golden child" who was adorably cute, smart and funny. Not surprisingly he did well at school, was popular with teachers, and had legions of friends. Also, not surprisingly, given my gender and the age gap, one of my responsibilities was parenting my beloved "baby brother". He once said, "You were more of a mother to me than she ever was."

The NGC matured into a tall, handsome, multi-talented man who embraced the "hippie" lifestyle of the 1960s and has never matured beyond that point. These days he's a house-husband and self-styled writer who is plagued with health issues that reflect his life-style choices. Always a bit of a narcissist in the classical sense, he enjoyed being the center of attention through his music, humour and story telling. Sadly, as his health declined, his narcissistic tendencies turned to the dark side and began to mimic those of NF.

The last time I encountered him in person was at a recent "family meeting" called by hospital personnel to discuss plans for my ailing EM's care. At one point, when I suggested he act as the family contact, he launched into a dramatic and detailed diatribe about how HIS health issues made him unsuitable for the task. An awkward silence followed, which I broke by saying, "I guess that makes ME it."

The NGC usually disappears during a crisis and the serious illness of his mother was no exception. Being brilliantly creative, he phoned NF to accuse him of being demented. Predictably, all hell broke loose and NF swore he'd never speak to the NGC again. Once EM was safely transferred to a nursing home, the NGC resurfaced, regained his exalted position with NF and within 24 hours I was treated to an narcissistic rage of unprecedented proportions.

No dummy, the NGC made sure I was discarded AFTER I finished preforming my function as the family caretaker. Even as the victim of his *machinations, I have to admire a genius at work!

*Machination: a scheming/crafty action intended to accomplish some usually evil end

FUCK 'EM!

Call Back Message

Less than a week after repeatedly calling me a liar and accusing me of falsifying Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money, I let a pathetic "call back message" from my narcissistic father go to voice mail.

In a quivering voice NF recounted a call from the nursing home doctor telling him that my mother was very close to the end. He suggested that, I drive down, pick up both him and my NGC brother, so "the three of us could go as a family to say goodbye". It was as if his hurtful rage had never taken place.

I wavered, still wanting to do the right thing by my mother, and contemplated visiting her by myself. Thankfully, before leaving, I called the nursing station on my mother's floor. Seems I'm not the only "liar" in the family. EM was actually having a good day, still considered palliative but death is not imminent. I didn't go.

Right out of the narcissist's handbook, manipulative, and often false, "call back messages" are my narcissistic parents weapon of choice for hoovering me back down the Rabbit Hole to resume my responsibilities as family caretaker.

FUCK 'EM!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Given the description of my Narcissistic Father readers are probably wondering how the hell I ended up back down the Rabbit Hole in NFOO "crazyland".

I'll begin by confessing that when asked what I'd do when one of my elderly parents neared the end, my reply was either, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." or "I'll follow my heart." Both of which are dangerously stupid answers when dealing with narcissists. Mentally, I'd left the door wide open to what just happened!

My 1st mistake was, after being verbally assaulted by my NF in June 2012, I never TRULY went 100% no contact because we continued to exchange Birthday and Xmas cards. In retrospect, I should have followed my dear friend Rev. Renee Pittelli's No Contact 101 right to the letter!

If I had followed Renee's NC rules, I would never have made mistake #2 which was listening to my NF's pathetic voicemail telling me, if I wanted to see my mother one last time, I'd better get down there ASAP because she'd been hospitalized. Proud of my restraint, I went down a few days later to find my mother at home and grinning from ear to ear. "Hospitalized" was, in fact, a short trip to ER where she was diagnosed with indigestion! She admitted, "I just wanted to see you." because no self-respecting narcissist would ever say, "I love you, miss you and want you back in my life."

And so it began. A trip down for EM's birthday, a few genuine health scares, then suddenly, I got a call asking me to use my Power of Attorney to authorize an ambulance for my mother because NF refused. Yes, I'd been dumb enough to overlook that I was still their Power of Attorney!

My fatal "caretaker" flaw kicked in and I tumbled further down the Rabbit Hole, as EM continued to decline and was eventually deemed palliative. Along the way, I was praised, thanked and showered with "love", but with the impending loss of his enabler NF began to unravel and revert to his abusive ways. Small slips at first, but enough to make me feel unsafe and trapped in Crazyland.

Re-enter the NGC who, true to form, had managed to disappear as the crisis deepened. Within 24 hours of his reappearance NF was on the phone screaming liar, liar, liar...in my ear and accusing me of  falsifying the Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money.

I'd been played like a violin, served my purpose, and once more became the family's punching bag. Maybe, just like many alcoholics, ACONs need one big relapse before they hit rock bottom, crawl back outta that Rabbit Hole, run like hell and NEVER look back!

BTW I allowed myself one last contact: My resignation as Power of Attorney, which puts the NGC in charge. The perfect solution for everyone, especially ME!

FUCK 'EM!

My narcissitic father

My narcissistic father displays these behaviours, in private, for his "loved" ones.

Immediately captivated by his charming demeanor,

outsiders are treated with respect and kindness.

• My NF uses the volume and tone of his voice to establish dominance by yelling, screaming, and raging. His hateful tone reiterates the abusiveness by combining arrogance and superiority. In person, he may employ threatening gestures or body language.
• NF verbally assaults his victims to instill fear, intimidate, manipulate, oppress and constrain. Swearing and threatening language come easily to him.
• The manner of his speech is argumentative and sarcastic. He will frequently interrupt and talk over a person, while bullying and intimidating. Many times the verbal assault will be so unpredictable the victim is caught off guard.
• Mixed in with the assault will be personal attacks such as name calling, defaming character, and dismissing his victim's feelings.
• His self-inflated perception is so skewed that he frequently accuses the victim of making him look stupid. When he "perceives" an attack on his massive ego, he becomes hostile, then often *gaslights his victim by denying the incident took place.
• He is a master of the blame game; insisting the misunderstanding is his victim’s fault.
• He accuses the victim of lying, being too sensitive, and overreacting.
• During one of NF's rages, my enabling mother's role was to sit quietly, nodding in tacit agreement. Following the confrontation, she often chided the victim for "upsetting" NF or suggested the victim apologize. Later, she supported NF's gaslighting by either insisting the incident never took place or was being exaggerated.

FUCK 'EM!

 *gaslighting:

 a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent

of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity

Adapted from:How A Narcissist Verbally Abuses | The Exhausted Woman

mulderfan is back!

WHY you might ask? A few months ago, after no direct contact for almost three glorious, drama-free years, I received a heart rending "call back message" from my NF, and made the HUGE mistake of being hoovered back down the Rabbit Hole into
my NFOO's version of Crazyland.

So, here I am back in the blog business, not as a shining example but, as a dire warning to ACONs who allow their compassion and decency to lead them where no *sane person would ever go. Within a few short months I had resumed my role as family caretaker and inevitably,
my NF's favourite punching bag.

#1 emotion right now is ANGER!
The anger is not directed toward the, ever predictable, narcissists in my life but at **myself for being so fucking stupid. "Follow your instincts", "respond don't react", and all the other catch-phrases that might have stopped me, went right out the window in my haste to
"do the right thing".

At first, my parents praised me as a wonderful daughter, while seeking my help and sucking me further into Crazyland. By the time I began to realize the old patterns were re-emerging, a genuine crisis involving EM began to unfold and, even though my gut was telling me to run like hell, the decent human being in me could see NO WAY OUT.

Re-enter the NGC (whose super power is disappearing whenever there's a crisis), crawling out from under his rock, just as most of the "heavy lifting" had been done. He wasted no time in planting a hateful lie in the fertile manure of my aging NF's demented and paranoid mind. The NGC's malicious ploy triggered a narcissistic rage of epic proportions, that surpassed any abuse I had previously endured from my NF and THAT is what set me free!

FUCK 'EM!

*Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
(attributed to Einstein, Ben Franklin, Mark Twain...)

**Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me! ~anon

To be continued...