No regrets either, that it took a life-threatening illness for me to understand just how toxic my relationships were. When waking up everyday is an awesome surprise, regrets are just wasted head-space.
Kinda like when I'm walking my big-ass German Shepherd and see a stranger coming toward us on the sidewalk and, without a word, nod or smile, I simply cross the street. I feel nothing for the stranger. My only thought is protecting my buddy, who gives me nothing but unconditional love.
Done is a journey but, damn, when you get there it's a great place to be!
FUCK 'EM
I do miss my sister sometimes, but I only remember her as the non toxic person she was, who stood up for me when mother was giving me the silent treatment. It went on for many days, I was only twelve, and I had no clean clothes left, no one was washing them, mother put them aside, and I was not allowed to use the washer and didn't know how. My sister took it upon herself to tell my mother "that is enough". My sister is a souled person, I think she still is, but lots have changed with her over the decades, and any contact with my sister will be toxic too. I have a role to play in the foo, and I will be kicked back to it, souled or not. We can't change that.
ReplyDeleteI suppose there is this void we all have in our lives, of not having that family. When I was growing up I thought everything was great, and I can look back on those memories, and I still think so, but it really wasn't, and that is hard to believe at times. In our minds we filled in the blanks of what wasn't there, and took out the bad stuff. But I still hold on to the "good times" thinking they were precious stones, but they really were a polished turd.
In my mind, I said "I have to give up". I reached the end of the road. I am saying it now with the rest of the family. There never were any good relationships to rescue, trying to get close, and hitting only brick walls, giving up is healthy in this case and walking. It's scary but no other choice.
ReplyDeleteI know life threatening illness woke you up and got you out, it did me too, I've been very sick for years and to this day I am surprised I lived through 2013. I can't deal with narcissists bullcrap while dealing with COPD, pressure sores and the other things I have going. I thought I can't die, being put down by these people.
I think I am finely approaching done-ness. I think that me mocking my so-called mother and my ex-wife gives me the illusion of being over the cluster-fuck when I am not. But they are consuming an ever decreasing about of space in my head. One day at a time. I had a lot of mind fucking for one life. Whats that Ma? Oh that's right. She's still dead!
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