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Monday, June 11, 2018

FINALLY FREE

I lost my malignant narcissist father a few weeks weeks ago. He was in his late 90s and, as a senior citizen myself, I have always assumed he'd outlive me as the years of emotional abuse have taken their toll on my mental and physical well being. It fell to me to oversee my abuser's care during his final agonizing days. I seldom visited but made sure he had the finest care.
At the end, as I waited for the funeral home to pick him up, I sat and talked to his dead body: "What was between us, the good and the bad, is now gone and I choose to let it go and give you my forgiveness." In that moment, I was free and finally at peace. I honestly hoped that he was at peace too.
Being solely in charge of writing his obit, it crossed my mind to let the whole world know who he really was but I saw no purpose in writing one of those tell all obits and chose to rise above it.
IMO Sinking to the level of your abuser will not set you free, it will keep you trapped in the never ending cycle of the dysfunction you've lived with your entire life.
The story doesn't end there. Later, when I cleaned out my father's apartment, I found a letter on his desk that began: "This will most likely be the last letter I write to my beautiful and loving daughter"...then he went on to write everything I'd ever dreamed of hearing him say to me. I thought my heart would break. Why, oh, why couldn't he have said these beautiful things to me in person?
The answer is really quite simple:
For those of you who, like me, grew up thinking you were unlovable, remember, you ARE lovable, your parents were simply incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

3 comments:

  1. Wow an apology letter, you know that is rare. Do you think it was sincere? Maybe he had some conscience left inside in this case. I am glad you are free now.

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  2. Beautifully said, thankyou.

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  3. I'm glad you are free now. I lost my NM at the end of 2017 and am finally able to live in peace without the verbal and emotional abuse I endured over the last 64+ years. I truly understand what you've been through, am happy for you that you got that apology letter and was able to forgive after all you endured.

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