Monday, June 11, 2018


I lost my malignant narcissist father a few weeks weeks ago. He was in his late 90s and, as a senior citizen myself, I have always assumed he'd outlive me as the years of emotional abuse have taken their toll on my mental and physical well being. It fell to me to oversee my abuser's care during his final agonizing days. I seldom visited but made sure he had the finest care.
At the end, as I waited for the funeral home to pick him up, I sat and talked to his dead body: "What was between us, the good and the bad, is now gone and I choose to let it go and give you my forgiveness." In that moment, I was free and finally at peace. I honestly hoped that he was at peace too.
Being solely in charge of writing his obit, it crossed my mind to let the whole world know who he really was but I saw no purpose in writing one of those tell all obits and chose to rise above it.
IMO Sinking to the level of your abuser will not set you free, it will keep you trapped in the never ending cycle of the dysfunction you've lived with your entire life.
The story doesn't end there. Later, when I cleaned out my father's apartment, I found a letter on his desk that began: "This will most likely be the last letter I write to my beautiful and loving daughter"...then he went on to write everything I'd ever dreamed of hearing him say to me. I thought my heart would break. Why, oh, why couldn't he have said these beautiful things to me in person?
The answer is really quite simple:
For those of you who, like me, grew up thinking you were unlovable, remember, you ARE lovable, your parents were simply incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018


It's with great sadness that I share the news that Q has passed away.

Might seem strange but, even though I never actually met Q, heard his voice or saw his picture, he was in many ways the greatest friend I've ever had. More like a brother than a friend, his daily emails, inappropriate memes, and constant stream of funny YouTube videos kept me going in my darkest hours, including a lengthy and near fatal illness.

Those who followed Q's blog will know that he was haunted by many demons but never lost his sharp wit or crazy sense of humour. I console myself with the knowledge that he is finally and peace and free of pain.

As a Buddhist, I believe the removal of one being from the universe would upset its delicate balance causing chaos in the cosmos. For this reason, no soul is ever truly lost but moves on to exist in another dimension and Q will always live on in the hearts of those who knew and loved him.

Q's sister, will be checking this post now and then. Please feel free to share a memory or funny story about her beloved brother.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

And now, the end is near...

The malignant narcissist who, throughout his life, has routinely raged against people and events he can't control, is finally faced with
the one thing he can't bully into submission...DEATH.

He rages against betrayal by his own body and the mask of charm and civility, usually reserved for "outsiders", rots away as he verbally abuses the professionals who are there to make his final days more comfortable. Some are reduced to tears by how unpredictable and nasty the "charming old man" they used to know has become.

I've always been fortunate enough to have my truth validated by my true family and close friends, but nothing quite beats the validation of objective professionals.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Thursday, January 5, 2017


Boundaries will LITERALLY save your life!

"Boundaries are not selfish. They aren’t overindulgent or evidence that you’re too sensitive, and they aren’t weakness. Boundaries are conditions that allow you to take care of yourself; conditions that give you the means to survive and keep from sinking. They’re circumstances that honor your needs and respect your feelings. Limits that YOU get to decide on; limits that are inherently valid, regardless of how they compare to anyone else’s.

You deserve to create a space for yourself that feels safe and supportive. You deserve to exist under terms that don’t harm you; terms that allow your best self to come through. Even if other people don’t understand; even if it makes them feel angry or rejected or sad — your boundaries are necessary and they matter. Their needs matter too, and it’s not wrong to want to make shifts to accommodate both — but the truth is that you can’t take care of anyone else if your own needs aren’t being met. You don’t have to explain your boundaries. You don’t have to justify them, and you don’t need anyone’s approval. You need to believe that you’re someone worth taking care of, and you need to trust that if anyone is entitled to your protection and care, it’s you."
— Daniell Koepke (Internal Acceptance Movement) 

Saturday, December 31, 2016

New Year's Manifesto

Mulderfan is still here, still having the occasional "relapse" (contact)
still getting crapped on every fucking time!
  • I am allowed to be vocal about my pain if it helps me heal
  • I am allowed to be sad in places other than my own head
  • I am allowed to express my anger/sadness/hurt, whether that is in writing or speaking to friends
  • I am allowed to speak my truth even when it makes others uncomfortable
  • I am allowed to take care of myself, even if it makes people who hurt me uncomfortable
  • I am allowed to create my own rules for self-care
Found here: Internal Acceptance Movement