FINALLY FREE

I lost my malignant narcissist father a few weeks weeks ago. He was in his late 90s and, as a senior citizen myself, I have always assumed he'd outlive me as the years of emotional abuse have taken their toll on my mental and physical well being. It fell to me to oversee my abuser's care during his final agonizing days. I seldom visited but made sure he had the finest care.
At the end, as I waited for the funeral home to pick him up, I sat and talked to his dead body: "What was between us, the good and the bad, is now gone and I choose to let it go and give you my forgiveness." In that moment, I was free and finally at peace. I honestly hoped that he was at peace too.
Being solely in charge of writing his obit, it crossed my mind to let the whole world know who he really was but I saw no purpose in writing one of those tell all obits and chose to rise above it.
IMO Sinking to the level of your abuser will not set you free, it will keep you trapped in the never ending cycle of the dysfunction you've lived with your entire life.
The story doesn't end there. Later, when I cleaned out my father's apartment, I found a letter on his desk that began: "This will most likely be the last letter I write to my beautiful and loving daughter"...then he went on to write everything I'd ever dreamed of hearing him say to me. I thought my heart would break. Why, oh, why couldn't he have said these beautiful things to me in person?
The answer is really quite simple:
For those of you who, like me, grew up thinking you were unlovable, remember, you ARE lovable, your parents were simply incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

Lessons (RE)Learned

So, the major players in my NFOO are identified NF, EM, and the NGC. My abusive older brother, a chip off the old block, was killed in a car accident. For safety reasons, I was full-on NC with him when he died. I'm fortunate to have a very close "brother-sister" relationship with one member of my extended family and, of course, I have the love and support of my daughter, along with several long time friends. I owe both Q and Tundra Woman special thanks for throwing me a rope and, almost literally, hauling me back outta the Rabbit Hole.

My "relapse" reinforced the following truths about MY narcissists:

• There is NO "right thing" to say or do that will make my narcissistic parents love me. They are incapable of love.
• My narcissists will never, ever change and why should they? They're perfect.
• Reasoning with them or proving them wrong is a waste of breath. They're superior beings who are always right.
• They don't mellow with age. They get worse...WAY worse! Aging is the ultimate insult to a narcissist's massive ego.
• Lacking a conscience, they think nothing of pitting their own children against each other, and enjoying the spectacle as it unfolds.
• Empathy is a foreign concept to them. They don't care if my feelings are hurt, in fact, if NF can reduce me to tears it delights him.
• If they're screaming in my face, I should resist responding in kind because they love it.
• Even though I'm physically handicapped, there will be no assistance or sympathy. Whatever challenges I have they have ten times worse. (NF does love that I can park in a handicapped spot but never acknowledges how I got that privilege.)
• I must never joke with my narcissists. They are the only ones who are allowed to make jokes and they're usually at someone's expense.
• Never repeat the mistake of asking my narcissists for help! I was put on earth to serve my NFOO and it doesn't work both ways.
• Gaslighting is their weapon of choice for convincing me they're not crazy, I am! Thirty years in and out of therapy have taught me otherwise.
• Remember to double check everything they say. Lying comes as easily as breathing to my narcissists, especially when they're trying to hoover me back into Crazyland.
• Finally, my newest lesson: NF and NGC not only need victims, they need  an enabler. In many ways an enabler is more dangerous than a narcissist. Narcissists are generally incapable of hiding what they are, while their enablers operate in the shadows and can be hard to spot.

So, how can I defend myself against my NFOO?

As I have just relearned the hard way,

there's only one sure-fire weapon at my disposal:
NO CONTACT!

"No Contact is THE END.  You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked.  That's why you reached this crossroads.  There is nothing left to try.   It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back.  Time to finally live your life.  Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm.  If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in.  If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety.  And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not.  If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to."

Words of wisdom from my dear friend, Rev. Renee Pittelli 

The Narcissistic Golden Child

The Narcissistic Golden Child, the product of a planned pregnancy and my father's wish for another boy, was born when I was eight and my late older brother was ten. He truly was a "golden child" who was adorably cute, smart and funny. Not surprisingly he did well at school, was popular with teachers, and had legions of friends. Also, not surprisingly, given my gender and the age gap, one of my responsibilities was parenting my beloved "baby brother". He once said, "You were more of a mother to me than she ever was."

The NGC matured into a tall, handsome, multi-talented man who embraced the "hippie" lifestyle of the 1960s and has never matured beyond that point. These days he's a house-husband and self-styled writer who is plagued with health issues that reflect his life-style choices. Always a bit of a narcissist in the classical sense, he enjoyed being the center of attention through his music, humour and story telling. Sadly, as his health declined, his narcissistic tendencies turned to the dark side and began to mimic those of NF.

The last time I encountered him in person was at a recent "family meeting" called by hospital personnel to discuss plans for my ailing EM's care. At one point, when I suggested he act as the family contact, he launched into a dramatic and detailed diatribe about how HIS health issues made him unsuitable for the task. An awkward silence followed, which I broke by saying, "I guess that makes ME it."

The NGC usually disappears during a crisis and the serious illness of his mother was no exception. Being brilliantly creative, he phoned NF to accuse him of being demented. Predictably, all hell broke loose and NF swore he'd never speak to the NGC again. Once EM was safely transferred to a nursing home, the NGC resurfaced, regained his exalted position with NF and within 24 hours I was treated to an narcissistic rage of unprecedented proportions.

No dummy, the NGC made sure I was discarded AFTER I finished preforming my function as the family caretaker. Even as the victim of his *machinations, I have to admire a genius at work!

*Machination: a scheming/crafty action intended to accomplish some usually evil end

FUCK 'EM!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Given the description of my Narcissistic Father readers are probably wondering how the hell I ended up back down the Rabbit Hole in NFOO "crazyland".

I'll begin by confessing that when asked what I'd do when one of my elderly parents neared the end, my reply was either, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." or "I'll follow my heart." Both of which are dangerously stupid answers when dealing with narcissists. Mentally, I'd left the door wide open to what just happened!

My 1st mistake was, after being verbally assaulted by my NF in June 2012, I never TRULY went 100% no contact because we continued to exchange Birthday and Xmas cards. In retrospect, I should have followed my dear friend Rev. Renee Pittelli's No Contact 101 right to the letter!

If I had followed Renee's NC rules, I would never have made mistake #2 which was listening to my NF's pathetic voicemail telling me, if I wanted to see my mother one last time, I'd better get down there ASAP because she'd been hospitalized. Proud of my restraint, I went down a few days later to find my mother at home and grinning from ear to ear. "Hospitalized" was, in fact, a short trip to ER where she was diagnosed with indigestion! She admitted, "I just wanted to see you." because no self-respecting narcissist would ever say, "I love you, miss you and want you back in my life."

And so it began. A trip down for EM's birthday, a few genuine health scares, then suddenly, I got a call asking me to use my Power of Attorney to authorize an ambulance for my mother because NF refused. Yes, I'd been dumb enough to overlook that I was still their Power of Attorney!

My fatal "caretaker" flaw kicked in and I tumbled further down the Rabbit Hole, as EM continued to decline and was eventually deemed palliative. Along the way, I was praised, thanked and showered with "love", but with the impending loss of his enabler NF began to unravel and revert to his abusive ways. Small slips at first, but enough to make me feel unsafe and trapped in Crazyland.

Re-enter the NGC who, true to form, had managed to disappear as the crisis deepened. Within 24 hours of his reappearance NF was on the phone screaming liar, liar, liar...in my ear and accusing me of  falsifying the Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money.

I'd been played like a violin, served my purpose, and once more became the family's punching bag. Maybe, just like many alcoholics, ACONs need one big relapse before they hit rock bottom, crawl back outta that Rabbit Hole, run like hell and NEVER look back!

BTW I allowed myself one last contact: My resignation as Power of Attorney, which puts the NGC in charge. The perfect solution for everyone, especially ME!

FUCK 'EM!