The Ultimate Punishment!

Even though we’ve struggled with the idea of maintaining absolutely no contact, many of us have found out the hard way that leaving the door open even by a sliver is an invitation for our abusers to hoover us back down the rabbit hole into their version of Crazyland. Strict no contact robs them of a chance to manipulate us and is the essential step required to protect ourselves from further abuse.

No contact is the ultimate punishment we can inflict on narcissists, which is one of the reasons they simply cannot let us go! Ignoring narcissists robs them of the chance to devalue and demean us which they desperately need to do in order to maintain THEIR exaggerated sense of worth.

Narcissists' panicked reactions to our sudden indifference will dispel all doubts about the value of no contact for; they will be unable to function without the unhealthy dynamic they've created with us. They label their victims as inferior, while behind the scenes they simply can’t live without our “presence” in THEIR miserable lives, even if that presence is maintained by visiting a blog almost daily, drawing a child-like caricature, repeatedly calling a blocked number or sending an email stupidly admitting their misdeeds.

How empowering for us that, many narcissists, when trying to prove that we are unimportant to them, do just the opposite by revealing how much space we occupy “rent free” in THEIR heads instead of the other way around!

An extended period of no contact eventually turns the tables by making narcissists realize that we find them irrelevant, dispensable and somewhat pathetic. Their punishment is complete when they realize their favourite doormat has simply gotten up off the floor and walked away. (Fortunately for them, new doormats are quite reasonably priced at Walmart.)

FUCK 'EM!

 

Lessons (RE)Learned

So, the major players in my NFOO are identified NF, EM, and the NGC. My abusive older brother, a chip off the old block, was killed in a car accident. For safety reasons, I was full-on NC with him when he died. I'm fortunate to have a very close "brother-sister" relationship with one member of my extended family and, of course, I have the love and support of my daughter, along with several long time friends. I owe both Q and Tundra Woman special thanks for throwing me a rope and, almost literally, hauling me back outta the Rabbit Hole.

My "relapse" reinforced the following truths about MY narcissists:

• There is NO "right thing" to say or do that will make my narcissistic parents love me. They are incapable of love.
• My narcissists will never, ever change and why should they? They're perfect.
• Reasoning with them or proving them wrong is a waste of breath. They're superior beings who are always right.
• They don't mellow with age. They get worse...WAY worse! Aging is the ultimate insult to a narcissist's massive ego.
• Lacking a conscience, they think nothing of pitting their own children against each other, and enjoying the spectacle as it unfolds.
• Empathy is a foreign concept to them. They don't care if my feelings are hurt, in fact, if NF can reduce me to tears it delights him.
• If they're screaming in my face, I should resist responding in kind because they love it.
• Even though I'm physically handicapped, there will be no assistance or sympathy. Whatever challenges I have they have ten times worse. (NF does love that I can park in a handicapped spot but never acknowledges how I got that privilege.)
• I must never joke with my narcissists. They are the only ones who are allowed to make jokes and they're usually at someone's expense.
• Never repeat the mistake of asking my narcissists for help! I was put on earth to serve my NFOO and it doesn't work both ways.
• Gaslighting is their weapon of choice for convincing me they're not crazy, I am! Thirty years in and out of therapy have taught me otherwise.
• Remember to double check everything they say. Lying comes as easily as breathing to my narcissists, especially when they're trying to hoover me back into Crazyland.
• Finally, my newest lesson: NF and NGC not only need victims, they need  an enabler. In many ways an enabler is more dangerous than a narcissist. Narcissists are generally incapable of hiding what they are, while their enablers operate in the shadows and can be hard to spot.

So, how can I defend myself against my NFOO?

As I have just relearned the hard way,

there's only one sure-fire weapon at my disposal:
NO CONTACT!

"No Contact is THE END.  You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked.  That's why you reached this crossroads.  There is nothing left to try.   It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back.  Time to finally live your life.  Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm.  If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in.  If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety.  And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not.  If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to."

Words of wisdom from my dear friend, Rev. Renee Pittelli 

Call Back Message

Less than a week after repeatedly calling me a liar and accusing me of falsifying Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money, I let a pathetic "call back message" from my narcissistic father go to voice mail.

In a quivering voice NF recounted a call from the nursing home doctor telling him that my mother was very close to the end. He suggested that, I drive down, pick up both him and my NGC brother, so "the three of us could go as a family to say goodbye". It was as if his hurtful rage had never taken place.

I wavered, still wanting to do the right thing by my mother, and contemplated visiting her by myself. Thankfully, before leaving, I called the nursing station on my mother's floor. Seems I'm not the only "liar" in the family. EM was actually having a good day, still considered palliative but death is not imminent. I didn't go.

Right out of the narcissist's handbook, manipulative, and often false, "call back messages" are my narcissistic parents weapon of choice for hoovering me back down the Rabbit Hole to resume my responsibilities as family caretaker.

FUCK 'EM!