Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Down the Rabbit Hole

Given the description of my Narcissistic Father readers are probably wondering how the hell I ended up back down the Rabbit Hole in NFOO "crazyland".

I'll begin by confessing that when asked what I'd do when one of my elderly parents neared the end, my reply was either, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." or "I'll follow my heart." Both of which are dangerously stupid answers when dealing with narcissists. Mentally, I'd left the door wide open to what just happened!

My 1st mistake was, after being verbally assaulted by my NF in June 2012, I never TRULY went 100% no contact because we continued to exchange Birthday and Xmas cards. In retrospect, I should have followed my dear friend Rev. Renee Pittelli's No Contact 101 right to the letter!

If I had followed Renee's NC rules, I would never have made mistake #2 which was listening to my NF's pathetic voicemail telling me, if I wanted to see my mother one last time, I'd better get down there ASAP because she'd been hospitalized. Proud of my restraint, I went down a few days later to find my mother at home and grinning from ear to ear. "Hospitalized" was, in fact, a short trip to ER where she was diagnosed with indigestion! She admitted, "I just wanted to see you." because no self-respecting narcissist would ever say, "I love you, miss you and want you back in my life."

And so it began. A trip down for EM's birthday, a few genuine health scares, then suddenly, I got a call asking me to use my Power of Attorney to authorize an ambulance for my mother because NF refused. Yes, I'd been dumb enough to overlook that I was still their Power of Attorney!

My fatal "caretaker" flaw kicked in and I tumbled further down the Rabbit Hole, as EM continued to decline and was eventually deemed palliative. Along the way, I was praised, thanked and showered with "love", but with the impending loss of his enabler NF began to unravel and revert to his abusive ways. Small slips at first, but enough to make me feel unsafe and trapped in Crazyland.

Re-enter the NGC who, true to form, had managed to disappear as the crisis deepened. Within 24 hours of his reappearance NF was on the phone screaming liar, liar, my ear and accusing me of  falsifying the Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money.

I'd been played like a violin, served my purpose, and once more became the family's punching bag. Maybe, just like many alcoholics, ACONs need one big relapse before they hit rock bottom, crawl back outta that Rabbit Hole, run like hell and NEVER look back!

BTW I allowed myself one last contact: My resignation as Power of Attorney, which puts the NGC in charge. The perfect solution for everyone, especially ME!



  1. Oh gee, I don't think its that hard to fall for it again. I can go visit a friend and she has relatives knocking on her door, and our teatime is spent with her sister. I don't even know what that even feels like. To have family and stuff, it breaks my heart, and sometimes I want to go make "amends" and the challenge is in realizing I don't have any friggin family. There is no one there, no one, only in my imagination. But I want family though. Anything can cause me to get conned into believing I do.

    It is not wrong to want a loving family. Ok, I know I'm dramatic but still I'm not ashamed to want something I never had.

    1. It's definitely hard to let go of the "fantasy family" we never had, Joan! Even during this latest chapter, for outsiders, we all maintained the facade of a happy, loving family. Truth is these people don't love us because they are incapable of loving anyone but themselves, which is their loss not ours!
      I'm extremely lucky because, in spite of the NGC's best efforts at defaming me, I still have loving, supportive extended family members who witnessed the abuse and validate my truth.

  2. That you got suckered back just shows you are human and as such you have compassion. Too bad it is compassion for the compassionless.

    1. What others see as good qualities they see as weapons to use against us.