Friday, August 28, 2015

The Narcissistic Golden Child

The Narcissistic Golden Child, the product of a planned pregnancy and my father's wish for another boy, was born when I was eight and my late older brother was ten. He truly was a "golden child" who was adorably cute, smart and funny. Not surprisingly he did well at school, was popular with teachers, and had legions of friends. Also, not surprisingly, given my gender and the age gap, one of my responsibilities was parenting my beloved "baby brother". He once said, "You were more of a mother to me than she ever was."

The NGC matured into a tall, handsome, multi-talented man who embraced the "hippie" lifestyle of the 1960s and has never matured beyond that point. These days he's a house-husband and self-styled writer who is plagued with health issues that reflect his life-style choices. Always a bit of a narcissist in the classical sense, he enjoyed being the center of attention through his music, humour and story telling. Sadly, as his health declined, his narcissistic tendencies turned to the dark side and began to mimic those of NF.

The last time I encountered him in person was at a recent "family meeting" called by hospital personnel to discuss plans for my ailing EM's care. At one point, when I suggested he act as the family contact, he launched into a dramatic and detailed diatribe about how HIS health issues made him unsuitable for the task. An awkward silence followed, which I broke by saying, "I guess that makes ME it."

The NGC usually disappears during a crisis and the serious illness of his mother was no exception. Being brilliantly creative, he phoned NF to accuse him of being demented. Predictably, all hell broke loose and NF swore he'd never speak to the NGC again. Once EM was safely transferred to a nursing home, the NGC resurfaced, regained his exalted position with NF and within 24 hours I was treated to an narcissistic rage of unprecedented proportions.

No dummy, the NGC made sure I was discarded AFTER I finished preforming my function as the family caretaker. Even as the victim of his *machinations, I have to admire a genius at work!

*Machination: a scheming/crafty action intended to accomplish some usually evil end



  1. What a dipshit. Of course he wouldn't want to be around to do the caretaking. I have issues with the GC status, as it seems that engulfed means GC. I took care of my MN mother for a long time, till she went no contact with me.

    I don't think I was the GC. Everyone was depending on me to take care of mother and feed her with supply. When she would publicly humiliate me, this would be my job. This thing that mother gets to do, and do not retaliate. Nowadays, I feel I retaliate too much. But GC's never have to do anything. And they are narcissists.

    I can imagine your brother being a hippie, so funny.

    1. I kinda thought I was the Golden Child for a while but now I realize, even as a kid, I was always the family caretaker. Then if something went wrong they used me as the scapegoat. I'd pretty much do anything to get their love and approval which made me the perfect victim.
      If you want a real laugh, email me and I'll send you a pic of the "hippie".

    2. I thought I was the golden child too because I was always the babysitter (I'm the oldest of 6), cleaning out the fridge, doing the dishes, or something else to try and gain my moms recognition. I would stay home from spring break to help her clean out closets which looking back was just a drama session and a way for her to have me as her constant audience as she shared stories from her "glory days" (jr high through early college/marriage). I thought because I helped her the most, going so far as to devoting myself to her I was the GC. Think again... Fast forward ten years and I am the scapegoat (always was) with severe depression and dehibilitating anxiety and PTSD. She told me that me and my little bro were her "two wor- I mean most difficult" kids because we have ADHD. I was a "loser junky" for like 2-3 years which is secretly exactly what she wanted - for me to fail. I went from being a 3.8 gpa student with a 4 year scholarship to university to being raped and having my Nfoo blame me for all of it. I began doubting my sanity and turned to h to numb the insurmountable pain I was in. Now she can just say "poor me I have a loser daughter" and get sympathy. Anyway sorry for rambling. My parents are in their early 50s so they aren't in the same phase as yours. But it does sound extremely familiar to when my NMs parents were dying. Her NF started up drama constantly and was kicked out of several nursing homes for being disrespectful to male staff - he was flirty and charming with the female staff of course. Which reminds me, my mom still flirts with random guys even though she's been married for 30 years! And I'm talking males 14 and up! It's sick and wrong! She will even brag about it too! Again sorry to ramble, I've just really been struggling here especially since I live with my NM and EF (my dad has gotten much better ever since I told his church leaders what was going on and they confronted him and said depression is not a choice). I can't say the same for my mom though. She hasn't gotten better and a big part of me is still in denial that she never loved me.

    3. Lindsey, This is what creeps me out about narcissists! Your parents are several generations younger than mine but they're using the exact same script. Just like you I functioned as the family housekeeper, nanny, laundress, etc...and "appeared" to be the Golden Child. Looking back I realize I was also responsible for everyone's happiness which put me squarely in line to be the Scapegoat.
      I was not allowed to date or even wear lipstick while my mum told me I was plain, had ugly hair, a flat chest, etc. When it came to guys, I gave off a vibe that made sure they never looked twice. I know now this was a deliberate plan to keep me what mum called "a lonely old maid" so their slave would always be at home to do her chores.
      On a fluke I escaped because I signed a teaching contract and the old man was transferred to another city. However, I went home every weekend to do my chores AND was charged room and board for the Saturday and Sunday "visits"!
      Imagine their horror when I met my husband! After doing everything in their power to break us up, when we got engaged I excitedly called home and my dad said, "Who the hell would marry an arsehole like him?" Then when he died young 28 years later my mum said, "Good, now you can see us more."
      So, following my husband's death, with no support from my NFOO only ever increasing demands and emotional abuse, I became an boozer! Guess what counseling uncovered? MY PARENTS WERE THE #1 TRIGGER for my drinking! I credit the AA Program with giving me the skills to get myself free of my NFOO's constant abuse and drama!
      It's nuts that I ever went back and the pattern repeated itself: make her feel like the much loved Golden Child then when she's done the work we needed done, slap her back down to Scapegoat where she belongs!
      They do go through periods where they seem to get "better" but a genuine narc can only hold this facade for so long before they revert to form.
      As far as loving you, IMO, they very likely do love you, but they are incapable of loving in a "healthy" way. It would be beyond their capabilities to understand supportive and non-judgmental relationships, mainly because they completely lack empathy.
      I saw my first counselor 40 years ago and the answer he gave me then is the same answer he would give me today. These people are toxic. Have no further contact.
      Not sure what your situation is Lindsey, but I would suggest you make escaping your first priority. After 40 years of hearing the same advice, I finally found the love and support I needed to make that happen in the rooms of AA. My sponsor and others got me through this latest fiasco but my confidence has been badly shaken.
      Feel free to "ramble" here any time!

  2. Sis just wrote the ACON bill of rights

    1. We have the right to choose.
    2. We have the right to communicate with others.
    3. We have the right to feel what we want.
    4. We have the right to live our own life.
    5. We can see or not see who we want.