You Don’t Need to Be So Nice to Your Hurtful Parents

Another great article from Doctor Marcia Sirota:

You Don’t Need to Be So Nice to Your Hurtful Parents

"Our feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on how
they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us today. Also, we
often go along with what our society tells us we should feel toward our folks.

If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and appreciate everything
they did for us. It gets more complicated when our parents were
less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected, rejected or abused
us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs for love, care and
validation which then affect how we feel about our parents as adults.

Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to believe that it was
our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our parents, and children
typically blame themselves for any problems in the parent-child relationship.

Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us, children take
responsibility for what happened and then try to change themselves in order to
finally win the love that Mom or Dad were unwilling or unable to give.

What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject us it has
nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do with their
inability to love and accept their children.

It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to facing the
unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some way. This is an
extremely painful realization to come to terms with. Most people would rather
do anything than accept this truth. Not only is it painful; it’s humiliating.
Having hurtful or inadequate parents causes us to feel shame.

Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was never about our own
failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to other people that we grew up
with parents who were hurtful or rejecting. There’s always the fear that
they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it. It’s also hard to silence the voice
of the “inner critic” which tells us that it really was our fault.

Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who were neglected, rejected or
abused. A secure loving attachment during childhood leads to a healthy ability
to detach as an adult. People with a healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able
to see their parents as they really are and can challenge them and question
them, when necessary.

People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a much harder time
letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their parents and have
enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they try to curry favour and
finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.

The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more we seek their
approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving parents create
confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept mistreatment from anyone.
Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children who are riddled with self-doubt
and feelings of inadequacy, and who go on to be people-pleasers, first with
their parents and then with the rest of the world.

Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the love and care
they’re receiving, and never make the children feel responsible for taking care
of the parents’ emotional or physical needs. Dysfunctional parents, on the
other hand, let their children know how “burdened” they’ve been by their
children and how many “sacrifices” they’ve had to make in order to raise them.

Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and aren’t driven by
guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as adults. Children who were
hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe that it’s a child’s ongoing role
to care for their parents. These people are driven by a powerful sense of guilt
and obligation.

Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their folks when
there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are reluctant to impose
upon their adult children; not wanting to be a burden on them.

Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time refusing their
parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,” “nice” and “helpful,”
they’ll finally get their parents to give them the love, care and validation
they’ve been waiting for.

For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need to see that pleasing
and care-taking their parents today won’t bring them the love and validation
they need. Even if their parents finally do see the light and become more
loving and attentive, it won’t heal their wounds of childhood or meet their
needs for validation today.

Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those who grew up without
adequate parental love and care must take responsibility for themselves and
work on healing their emotional wounds and meeting their own needs, as adults.
Counseling or therapy can help them do this.

If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must understand that first, it
wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t involve your parents. You can get
over a painful or neglectful childhood, not by trying to get your parents to
understand you or to change, but by doing your own personal growth work.

Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way, rewarding them for
having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour was deliberate or
inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to remain enmeshed with them
as adults.

Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today, you’d be better
off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile attempts at winning
their love, and focusing your attention instead on developing the self-love and
self-confidence that your childhood deprived you of.

If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be able to have
relationships with peers who are capable of loving and accepting you, just as
you are."~Marcia Sirota

Our
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.


If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.


Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.


Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.


What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.


It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.


Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.


Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.


People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.


The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.


Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.


Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.


Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.


Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.


For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.


Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.


If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.


Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.


Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.


If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.

- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf

Our
feelings toward our parents can be complicated. What we feel depends on
how they treated us when we were growing up and how they treat us
today. Also, we often go along with what our society tells us we should
feel toward our folks.


If we have loving, supportive parents, we love them back and
appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our
parents were less-than-ideal. If they failed us in some way, neglected,
rejected or abused us, we grow up with emotional wounds and unmet needs
for love, care and validation which then affect how we feel about our
parents as adults.


Bad things that happened to us in childhood usually lead us to
believe that it was our own fault. Society tells us to be good to our
parents, and children typically blame themselves for any problems in the
parent-child relationship.


Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us,
children take responsibility for what happened and then try to change
themselves in order to finally win the love that Mom or Dad were
unwilling or unable to give.


What children don’t realize is that when our parents hurt or reject
us it has nothing to do with what’s lacking in us and everything to do
with their inability to love and accept their children.


It’s easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s preferable to
facing the unthinkable fact that our parents have let us down in some
way. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with.
Most people would rather do anything than accept this truth. Not only is
it painful; it’s humiliating. Having hurtful or inadequate parents
causes us to feel shame.


Even when we recognize that what we experienced in childhood was
never about our own failings, we don’t like the idea of admitting to
other people that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting.
There’s always the fear that they’ll wonder what we did to deserve it.
It’s also hard to silence the voice of the “inner critic” which tells us
that it really was our fault.


Paradoxically, people who were loved and accepted while growing up
have a much easier time separating from their parents than those who
were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure loving attachment during
childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. People with a
healthy attachment to Mom and Dad are able to see their parents as they
really are and can challenge them and question them, when necessary.


People who grew up with a poor attachment to their parents have a
much harder time letting go as adults. They tend to over-idealize their
parents and have enmeshed relationships with them in adulthood, as they
try to curry favour and finally win the elusive approval of Mom and Dad.


The more our parents neglected or rejected us as children, the more
we seek their approval through trying to please them as adults. Loving
parents create confident, self-loving adults who won’t accept
mistreatment from anyone. Hurtful or inadequate parents raise children
who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, and who go
on to be people-pleasers, first with their parents and then with the
rest of the world.


Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for any of the
love and care they’re receiving, and never make the children feel
responsible for taking care of the parents’ emotional or physical needs.
Dysfunctional parents, on the other hand, let their children know how
“burdened” they’ve been by their children and how many “sacrifices”
they’ve had to make in order to raise them.


Children who were well loved don’t feel indebted to their parents and
aren’t driven by guilt or shame to attend to their parents’ needs as
adults. Children who were hurt or neglected, on the other hand, believe
that it’s a child’s ongoing role to care for their parents. These people
are driven by a powerful sense of guilt and obligation.


Loved children grow into adults who are happy to be there for their
folks when there’s a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are
reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a
burden on them.


Hurt or neglected children grow into adults who have a very hard time
refusing their parents’ demands. They keep hoping that by being “good,”
“nice” and “helpful,” they’ll finally get their parents to give them
the love, care and validation they’ve been waiting for.


For those who grew up with hurtful or neglectful parents, they need
to see that pleasing and care-taking their parents today won’t bring
them the love and validation they need. Even if their parents finally do
see the light and become more loving and attentive, it won’t heal their
wounds of childhood or meet their needs for validation today.


Instead of being pleasing to their parents (or other people), those
who grew up without adequate parental love and care must take
responsibility for themselves and work on healing their emotional wounds
and meeting their own needs, as adults. Counseling or therapy can help
them do this.


If you grew up with inadequate or hurtful parents, you must
understand that first, it wasn’t your fault and second, healing doesn’t
involve your parents. You can get over a painful or neglectful
childhood, not by trying to get your parents to understand you or to
change, but by doing your own personal growth work.


Trying to please your hurtful or neglectful Mom and Dad is, in a way,
rewarding them for having been poor parents. Whether their behaviour
was deliberate or inadvertent, it’s not necessary or helpful to you to
remain enmeshed with them as adults.


Instead of trying to get your parents to love and validate you today,
you’d be better off facing the truth about them, giving up your futile
attempts at winning their love, and focusing your attention instead on
developing the self-love and self-confidence that your childhood
deprived you of.


If you do that, you’ll be able to give up your people-pleasing and be
able to have relationships with peers who are capable of loving and
accepting you, just as you are.

- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/why-were-too-nice-to-hurtful-parents#sthash.5DWYK1Pb.dpuf

The Ultimate Punishment!

Even though we’ve struggled with the idea of maintaining absolutely no contact, many of us have found out the hard way that leaving the door open even by a sliver is an invitation for our abusers to hoover us back down the rabbit hole into their version of Crazyland. Strict no contact robs them of a chance to manipulate us and is the essential step required to protect ourselves from further abuse.

No contact is the ultimate punishment we can inflict on narcissists, which is one of the reasons they simply cannot let us go! Ignoring narcissists robs them of the chance to devalue and demean us which they desperately need to do in order to maintain THEIR exaggerated sense of worth.

Narcissists' panicked reactions to our sudden indifference will dispel all doubts about the value of no contact for; they will be unable to function without the unhealthy dynamic they've created with us. They label their victims as inferior, while behind the scenes they simply can’t live without our “presence” in THEIR miserable lives, even if that presence is maintained by visiting a blog almost daily, drawing a child-like caricature, repeatedly calling a blocked number or sending an email stupidly admitting their misdeeds.

How empowering for us that, many narcissists, when trying to prove that we are unimportant to them, do just the opposite by revealing how much space we occupy “rent free” in THEIR heads instead of the other way around!

An extended period of no contact eventually turns the tables by making narcissists realize that we find them irrelevant, dispensable and somewhat pathetic. Their punishment is complete when they realize their favourite doormat has simply gotten up off the floor and walked away. (Fortunately for them, new doormats are quite reasonably priced at Walmart.)

FUCK 'EM!

 

Lessons (RE)Learned

So, the major players in my NFOO are identified NF, EM, and the NGC. My abusive older brother, a chip off the old block, was killed in a car accident. For safety reasons, I was full-on NC with him when he died. I'm fortunate to have a very close "brother-sister" relationship with one member of my extended family and, of course, I have the love and support of my daughter, along with several long time friends. I owe both Q and Tundra Woman special thanks for throwing me a rope and, almost literally, hauling me back outta the Rabbit Hole.

My "relapse" reinforced the following truths about MY narcissists:

• There is NO "right thing" to say or do that will make my narcissistic parents love me. They are incapable of love.
• My narcissists will never, ever change and why should they? They're perfect.
• Reasoning with them or proving them wrong is a waste of breath. They're superior beings who are always right.
• They don't mellow with age. They get worse...WAY worse! Aging is the ultimate insult to a narcissist's massive ego.
• Lacking a conscience, they think nothing of pitting their own children against each other, and enjoying the spectacle as it unfolds.
• Empathy is a foreign concept to them. They don't care if my feelings are hurt, in fact, if NF can reduce me to tears it delights him.
• If they're screaming in my face, I should resist responding in kind because they love it.
• Even though I'm physically handicapped, there will be no assistance or sympathy. Whatever challenges I have they have ten times worse. (NF does love that I can park in a handicapped spot but never acknowledges how I got that privilege.)
• I must never joke with my narcissists. They are the only ones who are allowed to make jokes and they're usually at someone's expense.
• Never repeat the mistake of asking my narcissists for help! I was put on earth to serve my NFOO and it doesn't work both ways.
• Gaslighting is their weapon of choice for convincing me they're not crazy, I am! Thirty years in and out of therapy have taught me otherwise.
• Remember to double check everything they say. Lying comes as easily as breathing to my narcissists, especially when they're trying to hoover me back into Crazyland.
• Finally, my newest lesson: NF and NGC not only need victims, they need  an enabler. In many ways an enabler is more dangerous than a narcissist. Narcissists are generally incapable of hiding what they are, while their enablers operate in the shadows and can be hard to spot.

So, how can I defend myself against my NFOO?

As I have just relearned the hard way,

there's only one sure-fire weapon at my disposal:
NO CONTACT!

"No Contact is THE END.  You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked.  That's why you reached this crossroads.  There is nothing left to try.   It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back.  Time to finally live your life.  Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm.  If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in.  If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety.  And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not.  If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to."

Words of wisdom from my dear friend, Rev. Renee Pittelli 

Enabling Mother

Enabling mother (EM) is the last of the key players in my Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO) and this is by far the hardest post for me to write. I still have memories, from early childhood, of a sweet and loving mother. Somewhere along the way that all gradually changed until, perhaps for self-preservation, she morphed into an enabler who would sit silently while NF delivered verbal and sometimes physical abuse to her children. Afterwards, she would berate us for "upsetting" our father. How I longed for her to, JUST ONCE, admit that HE was wrong!

In retrospect, I realize she was also narcissistic in her own right. Unlike NF, she was a quiet manipulator who left me feeling guilty and initiated the "call backs" that sucked me into my old role as family caretaker/doormat. I can never forget, that she's also the one, who when I called to say my husband had died said, "Good. Now you can see us more often."

After almost three years of very limited contact, imagine my shock when I recently discovered that EM was now the target of NF's bullying tactics. I'm ashamed to admit that I assumed HER role and stayed quiet, with thoughts like, "Karma's a bitch." and "It's your turn." running through my shell-shocked mind.

Back home I was hit with an epic anxiety attack. It was triggered in part by witnessing the kind of emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child, but mostly by the realization that I was capable of  staying silent. That's when I became determined use my caretaker skills to do for my dying mother what she had never done for me; get her to a safe place.

My credo: "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate.

Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."~Iain Thomas

The Narcissistic Golden Child

The Narcissistic Golden Child, the product of a planned pregnancy and my father's wish for another boy, was born when I was eight and my late older brother was ten. He truly was a "golden child" who was adorably cute, smart and funny. Not surprisingly he did well at school, was popular with teachers, and had legions of friends. Also, not surprisingly, given my gender and the age gap, one of my responsibilities was parenting my beloved "baby brother". He once said, "You were more of a mother to me than she ever was."

The NGC matured into a tall, handsome, multi-talented man who embraced the "hippie" lifestyle of the 1960s and has never matured beyond that point. These days he's a house-husband and self-styled writer who is plagued with health issues that reflect his life-style choices. Always a bit of a narcissist in the classical sense, he enjoyed being the center of attention through his music, humour and story telling. Sadly, as his health declined, his narcissistic tendencies turned to the dark side and began to mimic those of NF.

The last time I encountered him in person was at a recent "family meeting" called by hospital personnel to discuss plans for my ailing EM's care. At one point, when I suggested he act as the family contact, he launched into a dramatic and detailed diatribe about how HIS health issues made him unsuitable for the task. An awkward silence followed, which I broke by saying, "I guess that makes ME it."

The NGC usually disappears during a crisis and the serious illness of his mother was no exception. Being brilliantly creative, he phoned NF to accuse him of being demented. Predictably, all hell broke loose and NF swore he'd never speak to the NGC again. Once EM was safely transferred to a nursing home, the NGC resurfaced, regained his exalted position with NF and within 24 hours I was treated to an narcissistic rage of unprecedented proportions.

No dummy, the NGC made sure I was discarded AFTER I finished preforming my function as the family caretaker. Even as the victim of his *machinations, I have to admire a genius at work!

*Machination: a scheming/crafty action intended to accomplish some usually evil end

FUCK 'EM!

Call Back Message

Less than a week after repeatedly calling me a liar and accusing me of falsifying Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money, I let a pathetic "call back message" from my narcissistic father go to voice mail.

In a quivering voice NF recounted a call from the nursing home doctor telling him that my mother was very close to the end. He suggested that, I drive down, pick up both him and my NGC brother, so "the three of us could go as a family to say goodbye". It was as if his hurtful rage had never taken place.

I wavered, still wanting to do the right thing by my mother, and contemplated visiting her by myself. Thankfully, before leaving, I called the nursing station on my mother's floor. Seems I'm not the only "liar" in the family. EM was actually having a good day, still considered palliative but death is not imminent. I didn't go.

Right out of the narcissist's handbook, manipulative, and often false, "call back messages" are my narcissistic parents weapon of choice for hoovering me back down the Rabbit Hole to resume my responsibilities as family caretaker.

FUCK 'EM!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Given the description of my Narcissistic Father readers are probably wondering how the hell I ended up back down the Rabbit Hole in NFOO "crazyland".

I'll begin by confessing that when asked what I'd do when one of my elderly parents neared the end, my reply was either, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." or "I'll follow my heart." Both of which are dangerously stupid answers when dealing with narcissists. Mentally, I'd left the door wide open to what just happened!

My 1st mistake was, after being verbally assaulted by my NF in June 2012, I never TRULY went 100% no contact because we continued to exchange Birthday and Xmas cards. In retrospect, I should have followed my dear friend Rev. Renee Pittelli's No Contact 101 right to the letter!

If I had followed Renee's NC rules, I would never have made mistake #2 which was listening to my NF's pathetic voicemail telling me, if I wanted to see my mother one last time, I'd better get down there ASAP because she'd been hospitalized. Proud of my restraint, I went down a few days later to find my mother at home and grinning from ear to ear. "Hospitalized" was, in fact, a short trip to ER where she was diagnosed with indigestion! She admitted, "I just wanted to see you." because no self-respecting narcissist would ever say, "I love you, miss you and want you back in my life."

And so it began. A trip down for EM's birthday, a few genuine health scares, then suddenly, I got a call asking me to use my Power of Attorney to authorize an ambulance for my mother because NF refused. Yes, I'd been dumb enough to overlook that I was still their Power of Attorney!

My fatal "caretaker" flaw kicked in and I tumbled further down the Rabbit Hole, as EM continued to decline and was eventually deemed palliative. Along the way, I was praised, thanked and showered with "love", but with the impending loss of his enabler NF began to unravel and revert to his abusive ways. Small slips at first, but enough to make me feel unsafe and trapped in Crazyland.

Re-enter the NGC who, true to form, had managed to disappear as the crisis deepened. Within 24 hours of his reappearance NF was on the phone screaming liar, liar, liar...in my ear and accusing me of  falsifying the Powers of Attorney in order to steal his money.

I'd been played like a violin, served my purpose, and once more became the family's punching bag. Maybe, just like many alcoholics, ACONs need one big relapse before they hit rock bottom, crawl back outta that Rabbit Hole, run like hell and NEVER look back!

BTW I allowed myself one last contact: My resignation as Power of Attorney, which puts the NGC in charge. The perfect solution for everyone, especially ME!

FUCK 'EM!

My narcissitic father

My narcissistic father displays these behaviours, in private, for his "loved" ones.

Immediately captivated by his charming demeanor,

outsiders are treated with respect and kindness.

• My NF uses the volume and tone of his voice to establish dominance by yelling, screaming, and raging. His hateful tone reiterates the abusiveness by combining arrogance and superiority. In person, he may employ threatening gestures or body language.
• NF verbally assaults his victims to instill fear, intimidate, manipulate, oppress and constrain. Swearing and threatening language come easily to him.
• The manner of his speech is argumentative and sarcastic. He will frequently interrupt and talk over a person, while bullying and intimidating. Many times the verbal assault will be so unpredictable the victim is caught off guard.
• Mixed in with the assault will be personal attacks such as name calling, defaming character, and dismissing his victim's feelings.
• His self-inflated perception is so skewed that he frequently accuses the victim of making him look stupid. When he "perceives" an attack on his massive ego, he becomes hostile, then often *gaslights his victim by denying the incident took place.
• He is a master of the blame game; insisting the misunderstanding is his victim’s fault.
• He accuses the victim of lying, being too sensitive, and overreacting.
• During one of NF's rages, my enabling mother's role was to sit quietly, nodding in tacit agreement. Following the confrontation, she often chided the victim for "upsetting" NF or suggested the victim apologize. Later, she supported NF's gaslighting by either insisting the incident never took place or was being exaggerated.

FUCK 'EM!

 *gaslighting:

 a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent

of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity

Adapted from:How A Narcissist Verbally Abuses | The Exhausted Woman

mulderfan is back!

WHY you might ask? A few months ago, after no direct contact for almost three glorious, drama-free years, I received a heart rending "call back message" from my NF, and made the HUGE mistake of being hoovered back down the Rabbit Hole into
my NFOO's version of Crazyland.

So, here I am back in the blog business, not as a shining example but, as a dire warning to ACONs who allow their compassion and decency to lead them where no *sane person would ever go. Within a few short months I had resumed my role as family caretaker and inevitably,
my NF's favourite punching bag.

#1 emotion right now is ANGER!
The anger is not directed toward the, ever predictable, narcissists in my life but at **myself for being so fucking stupid. "Follow your instincts", "respond don't react", and all the other catch-phrases that might have stopped me, went right out the window in my haste to
"do the right thing".

At first, my parents praised me as a wonderful daughter, while seeking my help and sucking me further into Crazyland. By the time I began to realize the old patterns were re-emerging, a genuine crisis involving EM began to unfold and, even though my gut was telling me to run like hell, the decent human being in me could see NO WAY OUT.

Re-enter the NGC (whose super power is disappearing whenever there's a crisis), crawling out from under his rock, just as most of the "heavy lifting" had been done. He wasted no time in planting a hateful lie in the fertile manure of my aging NF's demented and paranoid mind. The NGC's malicious ploy triggered a narcissistic rage of epic proportions, that surpassed any abuse I had previously endured from my NF and THAT is what set me free!

FUCK 'EM!

*Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
(attributed to Einstein, Ben Franklin, Mark Twain...)

**Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me! ~anon

To be continued...