New Year's Manifesto

Mulderfan is still here, still having the occasional "relapse" (contact)

and

still getting crapped on every fucking time!

• I am allowed to be vocal about my pain if it helps me heal
• I am allowed to be sad in places other than my own head
• I am allowed to express my anger/sadness/hurt, whether that is in writing or speaking to friends
• I am allowed to speak my truth even when it makes others uncomfortable
• I am allowed to take care of myself, even if it makes people who hurt me uncomfortable
• I am allowed to create my own rules for self-care

Found here: Internal Acceptance Movement
  

FUCK 'EM!

Why Your Family Hates You

Another Great Quote

Another great quote found on Internal Acceptance Movement

People do not have to be toxic to everyone to be toxic to you.
Your experiences are not validated or erased depending on how your abuser treats other people.
“nice” people can still be abusive.
In fact, many of them are only abusive to ONE person, which makes it easier because they’re “a great person” to everyone else and no one believes the victim.

Good Question

Three Amigos!

Had one of my now annual "Three Amigos" jaunts with my two beloved "double" cousins. Yes, Mulderfan is blessed with a sane branch of her family! So much joy and laughter awaits us when we finally set ourselves free to share our time and affection with those who truly deserve it.

"You don’t owe your family affection if they are being abusive and treating you poorly. I know that it’s so difficult not to feel guilty for holding back that love. I know that there are people who will tell you that you should just grin and bear it because they’re family. People who will shame you for the way you feel. People who will try to convince you that wanting to take care of yourself in this way is selfish and unjustified. But the truth is that it’s not your responsibility to be kind or loving to people who have consistently hurt and mistreated you – especially when these people continue to disregard your feelings, ignore your boundaries, and refuse to take responsibility for their behavior. Just because the person hurting you is family doesn’t make them an exception.

Choosing not to be affectionate with family who have abused or mistreated you doesn’t make you a bad person. It isn’t selfish or disrespectful. It’s a form of self-care. It’s about you honoring your feelings and holding people accountable for their abuse. It’s about you standing up for yourself and your needs. It’s about you making your mental health a priority. So if getting distance from certain family members is what you need right now, or permanently, then you have every right to withhold your love and leave. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for the sake of maintaining a relationship. And you don’t ever have to apologize for creating a safer space for yourself."

— Daniell Koepke

Couldn't resist!

Flashback

My daughter is getting married next month. Simple ceremony at City Hall, with me and a few close friends attending. Last night, she and her BF headed out to shop for her dress and while they were gone I had one of those flashbacks we ACoNs often have, that make us give our heads a shake and wonder why we couldn't see what was right in front of our faces.

This made me remember that, for as long as I can remember, I had expected to wear my mother's ivory wedding dress but, since I was living with my future husband, which made me "used goods", mother refused to let me wear it. She softened the blow by "generously" offering to buy me another dress. Not the dress I wanted, the dress SHE wanted, so she bought me a knee-length lavender dress. I ACTUALLY thought it was a nice gesture then, on MY big day, my mother showed up wearing WHITE!

The Society for Recovering Doormats

Great Facebook page!

Step 11

FUCK 'EM!

Narcs don't always get what they want!

...and they sure as hell don't want this:

"The most important thing you will ever do in your life is learn to embrace your unique, honest self. A boundless, infinitely populated universe and there is nothing else here quite like you. This is your power. All those things that make you strange and different are what make you irreplaceable."

— Beau Taplin • Unique Honest Self

The Best Revenge

"Truth is, the best revenge is seeking none at all and investing that energy in your own health and progress, prioritizing personal goals you’ve been neglecting, and working toward creating a healthy, happy and fulfilling life of your own."~Internal Acceptance Movement

In other words, just say

"FUCK 'EM!"

Not quite ready for DONE?

Don't let anyone dictate how or when you achieve your own unique version of DONE!

—"You may feel like you’re failing at recovery because you’ve been struggling for so long — but you’re not. Recovery isn’t a straight road. It isn’t something that happens over the course of a few days or months, or even a few years. It’s a path lined with ups and downs and road blocks and dead ends. It’s difficult and painful and exhausting. And it takes time. It takes time to unlearn the negative beliefs you’ve internalized. And it takes time to learn how to exist without using the behaviors you’ve depended on your whole life to survive. So if you’re feeling stuck right now, know that this is a part of your process. Know that it’s normal and not anything you need to be ashamed of. The fact that you’re still struggling doesn’t mean you’re going to be battling this forever. It just means that you have some more work to do. And that’s okay. You aren’t broken or hopeless. You’re wounded, but you can heal. You are healing, right now. Trust that you will get to where you need to be when it’s time. You’re doing the best you can to cope and make it through each day, and it’s enough. No matter where you’re at in your recovery, you’re enough." ~Daniell Koepke Internal Acceptance Movement 

How you know when you're "DONE"

IMO, you know you're done when the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) lifts completely and you're left with NOTHING...no love, hate, anger, sadness...ZILCH!

No regrets either, that it took a life-threatening illness for me to understand just how toxic my relationships were. When waking up everyday is an awesome surprise, regrets are just wasted head-space.

Kinda like when I'm walking my big-ass German Shepherd and see a stranger coming toward us on the sidewalk and, without a word, nod or smile, I simply cross the street. I feel nothing for the stranger. My only thought is protecting my buddy, who gives me nothing but unconditional love.

Done is a journey but, damn, when you get there it's a great place to be!

FUCK 'EM

11th Commandment?

"Why isn’t there a commandment to “honor thy children” or at least one to “not abuse thy children”? The notion that we must honor our parents causes many people to bury their real feelings and set aside their own needs in order to have a relationship with people they would otherwise not associate with. Parents, like anyone else, need to earn respect and honor, and honoring parents who are negative and abusive is not only impossible but extremely self-abusive. Perhaps, as with anything else, honoring our parents starts with honoring ourselves. For many adult children, honoring themselves means not having anything to do with one or both of their parents." Beverly Engel

 

"You're too bloody sensitive!"~my NFOO

What gave them the right to judge my feelings in the 1st place?

Besides, if they knew I was sensitive and truly loved me,

why didn't they treat me differently?

"Other people don’t get to invalidate your truth. They can disagree with it. They can struggle to understand it. They can carry a truth that conflicts with your own — but they don’t have the authority to tell you what your truth should or shouldn’t be. You feel what you feel and you need what you need. Those things just are. It’s how you’re wired, and it’s okay. Other people can feel and need different things — and their truth is valid in its own right — but it doesn’t discount your own. Your truth comes without judgment. It can’t be wrong because it’s yours. Not theirs; not anyone else’s. It’s yours — and it’s your right to embrace and honor it."

— Daniell Koepke 

Quitting Time?

I quit blogging a while ago because, after three years of NC, I felt blogging has served its therapeutic purpose.

Then, I allowed my mother's impending death to suck me back down the rabbit hole into my NFOO's special version of Crazyland.

In a private Face mail exchange, my long time friend Rev Renee cautioned me against it and even went so far as to warn me that not only would the abuse continue but that it would very likely escalate.
Blogger buddies Q and Tundra Woman gave me similar advice, which I ignored, believing that I was healthy enough to safely climb back out of the darkness if need be.
I couldn't have been more wrong and my stubborn refusal to follow the advice of my friends very nearly cost me my life.
Once again, I turned to these blogs to find support and validation but am beginning to question that decision, as I find myself reliving episodes that are best forgotten and allowing my abusers to once more live rent-free in my head.

When are we DONE?

How do we know we are done?

Are WE ever done?

Are THEY ever done?

 

Idiots!

Our abusers eventually leave us with no choice except to walk away, only to discover they can't live without their favourite doormat.

Go to Walmart, Idiots!

You can pick up a new doormat for less than $10.

FUCK 'EM!

Marcia Sirota

Another pearl of wisdom from Marcia Sirota

 

LOL!

THIS is what happens when a narc "accidentally" stumbles upon their victim's ANONYMOUS blog, then gets outraged when they recognize their own abusive behaviour!

A genuine LOL!

 

Fuck 'em!

Most ACoNs play roles that were scripted for them from the moment they were born. Time to shake off years of conditioning and say, "Fuck 'em" by making yourself the star of your own script!

MY Blog/MY Truth

"Other people don’t get to invalidate your truth. They can disagree with it. They can struggle to understand it. They can carry a truth that conflicts with your own — but they don’t have the authority to tell you what your truth should or shouldn’t be. You feel what you feel and you need what you need. Those things just are. It’s how you’re wired, and it’s okay. Other people can feel and need different things — and their truth is valid in its own right — but it doesn’t discount your own. Your truth comes without judgment. It can’t be wrong because it’s yours. Not theirs; not anyone else’s. It’s yours — and it’s your right to embrace and honor it." ~Daniell Koepke

Nailed It!

My Childhood in a Nutshell/Nuthouse

Children need love, support and stability.

Instead I got this:

(and still would if I was stupid enough to pick up the phone!)

Walk in My Shoes!

“You don’t live in my body. You don’t experience the struggles and wounds it carries. You don’t wake up every day with my thoughts and you don’t go to bed every night with my demons. You don’t know the burdens they impose or the distress and weight of the feelings they generate. As someone who is not me, you know very little about what it’s like to experience my reality — so you don’t get to dictate what should and shouldn’t be difficult for me. You don’t get to determine my needs and capabilities, and you sure as hell don’t get to decide the validity of my boundaries and self-care. I am the expert of my life. If I struggle with something, then I struggle with it. My experience isn’t right or wrong. It just is, and it’s mine — a fact that that makes my struggles real and true and valid. Your abilities and opinions are irrelevant in regards to my own. There is nothing wrong with me. I’m not weak or inadequate for struggling with things you don’t personally find challenging. And I’m no longer going to compromise myself to accommodate your narrow perception of human experiences. I know who I am and what I’m capable of. I know my limits and needs. And I know that I deserve better than someone who tries to convince me to abandon the things I need to take care of myself."~Daniell Koepke of Internal Acceptance Movement

But, they're FAMILY!

FUCK 'EM!

Hiatus

Taking a hiatus from blogging and putting myself first.