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Sunday, August 30, 2015

Enabling Mother





Enabling mother (EM) is the last of the key players in my Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO) and this is by far the hardest post for me to write. I still have memories, from early childhood, of a sweet and loving mother. Somewhere along the way that all gradually changed until, perhaps for self-preservation, she morphed into an enabler who would sit silently while NF delivered verbal and sometimes physical abuse to her children. Afterwards, she would berate us for "upsetting" our father. How I longed for her to, JUST ONCE, admit that HE was wrong!

In retrospect, I realize she was also narcissistic in her own right. Unlike NF, she was a quiet manipulator who left me feeling guilty and initiated the "call backs" that sucked me into my old role as family caretaker/doormat. I can never forget, that she's also the one, who when I called to say my husband had died said, "Good. Now you can see us more often."

After almost three years of very limited contact, imagine my shock when I recently discovered that EM was now the target of NF's bullying tactics. I'm ashamed to admit that I assumed HER role and stayed quiet, with thoughts like, "Karma's a bitch." and "It's your turn." running through my shell-shocked mind.

Back home I was hit with an epic anxiety attack. It was triggered in part by witnessing the kind of emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child, but mostly by the realization that I was capable of  staying silent. That's when I became determined use my caretaker skills to do for my dying mother what she had never done for me; get her to a safe place.

My credo: "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate.
Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."~Iain Thomas

8 comments:

  1. It is likely your mother succeeded in turning off her emotions, what with the response she gave you when your DH passed away. Sometimes I think that maybe the cost of peace is way too high. I hope I never want peace that much. I studied relationships, and the main feature was complete and utter authenticity, honesty. No matter how horrible the truth was, never sway from it. With my old mind caught up in my past, I thought this was impossible. Everything? Yes, everything. This is what keeps us out of abusive relationships, and will expose an abuser.

    I think of your mother and it sounds like she was trying to keep the bills paid and keep the man around. But what a cost eh?

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    1. The doctors say she's simply given up on living. Diagnosis: self-inflicted severe dehydration and malnutrition.

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    2. Sorry to hear that of your mother but wow, I'm suddenly starting to realize why I need to be angry and so easily riled up.

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    3. I used to suppress my anger for fear of being like my old man. Now I find it useful as long as I respond to it rather than react. For instance, I was furious when NF called me a liar, thief, etc. but didn't take action for almost a week.

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    4. Not sure if there was much to say to him. I think we use fury on a narc, it doesn't go anywhere. For me, as long as I know I have the anger, we come to the blogs and talk about it and that's it. For me, anger just puts reality in its place. They are wrong and there is no justifying it.

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    5. Joan, I "said" nothing but I sent a loud and clear message via registered mail resigning from Powers of Attorney for him and my mum. DONE!

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  2. I don't like, "...self-inflicted severe dehydration and malnutrition." It has the stink of blaming the victim (the patient).

    This happened to my step-father, and appears to be nature taking its course: when a person (either through old age or disease, such as cancer) is nearing the end of their life, they become untethered from the need for food and drink. They will look at it, and show no recognition, let alone interest.

    It's horrific to us, but seems to be normal.

    I am sorry for your loss, but the doctors say it is a painless way to go.

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    1. T, I wasn't quite sure how to phrase that, but in the beginning she did choose not to eat and drink. Perhaps, like an anorexic, after a while she lost her hunger cues. Last time I checked on her, she was in a lot of pain, mostly from infected bed sores.
      Thanks for the sympathy but IMO, I lost my sweet mum a long time ago.

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